got this shit

Wow! The last few days have been really stressful in my work-life.  Yesterday I felt like eating #allthethings. 

Thankfully, I did not. I came home from the day, made steak and asparagus and went to bed. 

Today was equally as stressful. For some reason I didn't feel like gorging myself (thank goodness). Over time, I have gone from cheating twice a weak to once a week or less! Yay for success! 

Dinner tonight was bacon and eggs with veggies. I am in a challenge to stay on plan for 100 days, eat 5-7 deep S meals each week and exercise 3-5 times each week as well. 

Disputes the stress, I seem to be nailing the lifestyle transformation! 

 
 

New energy??

Coming off 5 whole days on plan. 

I had a staff meeting tonight and eventually caved and ate some

Pizza. 

The struggle was REAL. Planning the dinner I even got veggies and dip and didn't order pizza for myself. 

But there were leftovers, and I had some. 

Good news is that even after a very long day, I came home, cleaned, baked some bust a myth banana cake and portioned it out and froze it. 

Boom! 

It's 10pm and I am just winding down. I definitely feel more energy lately. 

Thank goodness! 

Mind spinning.

Sometimes my head goes to some deep ass places. 

Today I started thinking about who I am. My personality. I am quite extroverted, and I think overall that's how I was born, but there was a time when you would have never known it. 

From about grade 7 to grade 12 I had very little confidence in myself. I thought everyone hated me (except for a few). I avoided social situations like the plague because I thought they would all turn into a Carrie movie. 

I had a few kids pick on me or call me names, I'm not sure if it was really more or less than anyone else, but I do know I let it affect me 1000x more than it should have.  In hindsight, knowing now what I do about mental health, I believe I was suffering from anxiety. 

Once I graduated and moved to the big city, for some reason I felt free to start being myself.  This is almost funny to me because it's not like I was hiding some secret. I just felt safe in the anonymity of a larger city.

Numerous times over the last 15 years people have been shocked when they learn that was never a cheerleader. Ha ha, I'm not so sure that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I wonder how much different that time could have been if I had just been able to be myself. 

Even though I am much more myself than I was then, I still battle that same self doubt every day. 

Don't get me wrong I give wayyyyy less fucks now, than I did at that time, but there are still one or two here or there. 

How does this relate to The Megan 2.0 Project? Well, for some reason, I stopped believing I could do this for a while. I let excuses and emotions get in my way. 

I can't promise that this is it. I don't speak in definites, but what I can tell you is that I have been growing more and more confident in myself as a human, and I am challenging myself every day I be better. I kept putting off a lifestyle change because I didn't feel like I was ready mentally for it. 

Now I am ready to risk failing again because the only person who really looses out if I didn't is me. 

I am ready to take risks, because without risk, there is no reward. 

I believe I am an extrodinary person with a lot to offer, but I need to be comfortable taking new risks so I can finally find out what I am truly capable of. 

It's really happening

11 days on plan

11 days!! 

It's not a ton, but it's the best I have done since last May, and at this point I feel much more dedicated. 

I always wonder though, what prevented me from succeeding previously? 

Why is it always so hard?  Why do

I consistently end up crashing? 

How come I don't always have the strength to make the choices I know will benefit me in the long run, not just in the moment? 

I wish I had an answer. 

There has not been a single day since j fell off track from Megan 2.0 that I haven't thought about my weight. Not one. Every week I would have good intentions. Every week I would end up tossing fresh veggies (since expired) because I made less healthy choices. 

Many weeks I would start off right for a day or two, a meal here and there, and give in. 

So why does it seems to be sticking this time? 

Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and proud to come this far, but I am curious what happens, what switch flips when you actually land on the right journey at the right time. 

Pressure!

Pressure. Turns coal into diamonds right?

Yeah, or something like that. 

I have been "on" all week diet/attitude wise. 

Today I am overwhelmed.

By what you may ask? 

Everything. 

I feel like I can't be awesome at any one thing, I have to settle for ok. 

Ok! 

I can't be a stay at home Mom, so I work. I work hard! But I don't put in a bunch of overtime. I get questioned why I am leaving when another person stays late more often. When I do stay late I get told to stop and go home with my kids. 

Then it's pressure to be a "good" mom. It's like I'm expected to make sure that ALL our time is quality time. Activities and heart to heart conversations. Healthy meals from scratch and a clean house. 

Being a single Mom and doing it all pretending like it's not a big deal that I have little to no help with anything. "Who needs a man?"

Oh but then I am supposed to take care of myself. Get up early and exercise, eat healthy meals, find time to just fucking think. And it's not like it's some tiny thing. I am addicted to food. I am an addict. 

Someone put raisin tart bars in the fridge at daycare and I lost it. Intentions were good but before I got rid of them I was at such a low point, I caved for the first time in 6 days and had one. 

I wish I could just not look at the bad stuff but it's impossible. It's everywhere. Meetings, daycare fridge, my FB newsfeed, 7 different places on the drive home. It's like you have two heads when you turn down treats. Especially when you are overweight like "who are you trying to kid?" 

Then there is the fact that my house is usually somewhat messy to tornado 95% of the time. The only time it's clean is when the kids are not around at all. The majority of family meals center around convenience. So basically I feel like a failure. 

Most days by 7pm I am totally exhausted and while I should be up until 10 getting all the chores done, I don't. Fuck that. As if I need to push myself to the brink of a panic attack.to please someone else's idea of what my house should look like. 

My social life.... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that would insinuate that I actually had one. But Facebook counts right? 

Fragile State

The beginning of this journey is always the absolute worst! 

There are some great things, like newfound motivation, initial water weightloss, excitement for the future. 

What makes it the worst is the other side the self doubt, being overwhelmed about the long long road ahead, embarrassment from not maintaining my previous successful weightloss. I have to keep going. 

Last journey I lost 40lbs in 105 days. My competitive side wants to beat that, but I am also scared to be competative with myself. So here I am. Anxious, intimidated but dedicated to perseverance. 

Day 5

I don't usually like to gloat (those of you that know me can shush it), but I totally nailed Plan today. 

Work was extremely stressful and busy and by the end of the day, I was finished.

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store to stock up because we have a snowfall warning. 

At this point in my day, it's not even a question. Making dinner will take more mental and physical energy that I have to spare. We are grabbing take out. 

Did I go off plan? 

Fuck no bitches. 

This lady ordered a bunless burger, and a diet pop to compliment the veggie platter we got at the grocery store. 

#winning

Down .3lbs this morning. 

Back again!!

Well, well, well, do I have a story for you! 

That soon, but for now, I start again. 

Up to my heaviest weight (well slightly less because I have made some improvement, but I have recommitted to Myself. 

I have been toying with the Trim Healthy Mama Plan for months now. I did it for one month last May and then realized I was in over my head mentally and emotionally. 

I feel like I have been gearing up for this for the last 4 months making small changes here and there. Not always health and diet related but for life in general. One big one was I quit smoking 7 weeks ago. I'm using my success from that to give me the confidence I need to carry forward with a healthier lifestyle. 

I need an outlet to stay accountable, so here I am. I was going to start a new blog, but figured I'm always going to be a project, and the 2.0 version of myself hasn't been completed yet. So here I am!!  

Jones'n

I'm just finishing up the 15th day of... my diet? my lifestyle change? my altered eating plan?  My goodness I don't even know what to call it.  This round of healthy lifestyle motivation and action <--- That covers it but it way too long... TROHLMAA... Yeah that acronym doesn't work either.  Whatever you want to call it, I've done FIFTEEN DAYS!

So now what, now I really have to fight the urge to get on the scale.  Part of me wants to see what results would show up.  The other part of me questions if it should mean anything at all. 

I have maintained a healthy diet with no "cheats" for just over 2 weeks now. I feel a little better. I have more energy, motivation and will power.  Those are all plusses.  

Being that I tend to get a little obsessive with the numbers, triggering other behaviors, I really think it's much healthier for me mentally to just keep going and trust the process.  

With all that said, the addict in me still wants to know what the numbers say. 

Hopefully once I feel the physical differences, it will become easier to stay away from the scale!!

If I don't weigh myself, will I still lose weight?

Happy New Year Everyone!

Yep, I didn't write hear much in 2013.  Not that I didn't have much to say, but I was very busy taking on too much and eating my feelings and stress.

What did I get up to?  Well I had my 3rd baby (Read my home-birth story here) I started a new business, became obsessed with cloth diapers, and then babywearing, and learned what its really like having 3 children of my own to take care of.  (In addition to the extra friends we have come to play 5 days a week).

I would say 2013 was still a year of transformation, and an important year for Megan 2.0, but rather than seeing the results on the scale, I saw them in how I am as a mother and person to others.  I have taken a new "crunchier" path in my life that is a little more family and environment focused.  Now don't get all freaked out, I didn't completely change, just altered the way I do and look at a few things.

For those that don't know me well and are just starting to follow Megan 2.0 I offer a disclaimer:

This blog/facebook page may not be for you if you are sensitive to real honest talk, and the occasional set of swear words.

2014

January 1st 2014, I have a clean slate.  I realize I once again need to regain focus on myself and my health.  Hopefully in a very balanced way.  2011-2012 was great for weight-loss but I feel like I really got caught-up and even obsessed with it to the point where it was causing some anxiety issues for me.  

How can I change my game-plan to prevent that from happening again?

Well, for 2014, I have decided to toss the scale.  Yep, you saw that right, I'm getting rid of it.   I'm terrified... If I don't weigh myself, am I still losing weight?  I hope so.  When I look back to my most successful weight-loss attempt, I didn't weight myself often.  I just focused on making healthy choices every day and balancing my lifestyle.

I was talking to my mom this morning and played it out.  If I lost, on average, 1 pound a week, honestly I would be very frustrated. BUT if I wait to weigh myself until next New Years Eve and see that I lost 45-50lbs, well that would be very rewarding.

Here's the most difficult part of this post... I am currently at my heaviest weight ever.  I feel like a GIANT LOSER admitting that to everyone and I am embarrassed and ashamed of how far off track I have come.

Today I commit that I am stopping now.  NO FUCKING MORE.

Now I carry on my journey and become a little more health focused in a balanced way that can become an attainable lifestyle for me.

BOOM! I'm back ;)

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a.... Blog post from Megan 2.0?

Hello? Is anyone still out there??

Yes pregnancy has side-tracked me from the health part of my journey. Many days/months of fatigue, nausea, discomfort, and food have been my norm lately. Just trying to get by and fell into some old habits.

Good news is, I'm feeling better (energy-wise anyhow) and therefor am starting to make healthier choices and get some exercise in!!

So far I have gained 32lbs. I'm 27 weeks pregnant so that is over the recommended weight gain for pregnancy. It's different for me because my last two pregnancies I lost weight in the beginning and didn't gain this much overall. On fact with my daughter I ended at my start weight.

I have decided that it's time to man-up and do the best I can for the remaining 3 months of my pregnancy to make things easier once this baby is here.

Speaking of baby... We found out we are having another girl! I'm bound to be an alcoholic in the future as the thought of having two TEEN girls is enough to launch me into a full-blown panic attack.

Anyhow, hopefully I will be back to updating my blog and continuing on my journey while pregnant as best I can :)

Wish me luck :)

2012 Review (I did what?!)

At this point in the year, finishing off 'only' 10lbs lighter than I started... I'm not going to lie, I feel like a failure.  All those workouts, all my tracking, all for what... 10 measly pounds?

Well, lets break it down a bit here.  I started out the year with the 30 day shred and completed it...

Then I took on Chalean Extreme for 3 months. I finished month one and two but in April I injured my hip and stopped most activity aside from walking.

Speaking of my hip injury, I injured it during a 14 KILOMETER run!  Who would have thought... especially when I was 307lbs that I (Megan Armstrong) would RUN for 14k straight! Well I did stop to pee once, but other than that, I did NOT stop!

After that I took it pretty easy until June.  I struggled during that time, feeling like a failure with my injury and ate my feelings.  Then one of my friends suggested... THE KUSAM KLIMB (caps for dramatic effect only... I'm not really yelling people). Just a brief overview (you can click the link for full details) but it was a 23k course up and over a freaking mountain... and I saw a real live hungry bear.

After the climb my knee and hip still weren't treating me well so I drifted in the land of the unknown, a place where I wanted to workout but couldn't for... pretty much the rest of the year.  I tried Weight Watchers from August to October, but had to quit due to the fact that I got infected with child.  (<= That is just my dry humor, I absolutely LOVE whatever being I am creating in uterus land... Just in case you think I'm horrible for referring to my pregnancy that way... trust me, I've said WAY worse).

Then came morning sickness, fatigue and all the other joys that aren't super conducive to living a super healthy lifestyle.

Also the second half of the year I have had to deal with my own personal battle with anxiety and a few other personal family issues that took my focus away.

SO... *breath*  even though I am 'only' 10lbs lighter, I have also accomplished amazing things, I have gained a fetus, and I am (currently) back on track living a healthy lifestyle (thanks to no more morning sickness and not being as big as a whale yet!).

One last thing, and its definitely not the least... I have been a pretty darn awesome mom to my two kiddos!!

Lots of people are talking about goals for next year.  This new years, I'm not putting any extra pressure on anything. I will try my best to live each day to its full potential while balancing it with relaxation, family time and rest off my feet once I'm at full-blown-fetal-capacity!

The End Of A Year!

There is no question that my momentum slowed this year. I was on fire for the first few months but started having trouble around March when I started Chalean Extreme.  Then I suffered a hip injury that plagued me for the rest of the year (I can STILL feel it now).  I managed to renew my motivation until an issue in my personal life through me for a huge loop and then later I found out I was pregnant.

However, I started the year at 245, my low was about 215 in early may, and now at 15 weeks pregnant I am back up to 232.  This means that overall... my year has still been a success.  I am still down 75lbs total from my heaviest, and can only concentrate on moving forward!

I hope that in 2013 I can live a healthy pregnancy lifestyle until baby is born, take some recovery time and then get back to my Megan 2.0 Project self.  I found I got a lot of motivation from my last pregnancy, so hopefully I gain some from this one too!

Looking forward to getting back to blogging as well as it has been quite a break for me.  At the end of the Summer I said I was dealing with some things that I would explain later, and those issues were anxiety.  I had a few panic attacks and some daily anxiety creep up and have tried very hard to simplify my life to remove and extra stresses and really concentrate on my mental state.

I am doing much better when it comes to that now, and although I have put things in place in my life to prevent the anxiety, it is no longer a daily issue for me to battle it.

So here is to a positive and productive 2013!!

Why I've been quiet...

Blog Break

I've decided to take a little blog break until December.  I have a lot going on and need to figure some things out (yep, I'm captain vague).  Anyhow, I will be returning to fill you in and move forward in December!

Until then I hope everyone is doing well!

Remembering progress already made.

Even though I have not been anywhere close to being OP lately, I had a few NSV's today.

Two years ago I went to the pumpkin patch with my son, and took a few pictures as I was 4 months pregnant and wanted to pretend that I was actually showing. Instead I looked t the pictures horrified at my size.

Today my family and I went pack o the same pumpkin patch and I took another picture an was very happy that I still look much different from the first.

Throwback Thursday

When I was a child.

Rounding the corner!

I gave myself some slack this week to deal with things going on outside of Megan 2.0.  The scale will probably me angry with me, but I feel like I'm really going to be prepared to give it my all next week!

I know what happened to me earlier in the year when I didn't take breaks and allowed myself to take on too much... Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

In fact, you know what?  I'm going to put it out there as it's now behind me.  Early this summer I started suffering from panic attacks and anxiety.  I'm pretty sure part of it was just putting too much on myself and consuming my brain in an all-or-nothing approach to weight-loss, where I felt like a failure if I was FIVE calories over for the day.  I sweated all the small stuff.
That was actually the reason why I was so quiet during July and most of August.  I had to get my head in a good place and get back the mental strength I needed to continue.

Now, while I will push myself, I will not push myself TOO hard to where I endanger my emotional wellness.

This week I had so much going on that stressing about the small things was NOT a healthy option for me. I know how easily I can over-stress things and for me I really need to prioritize.  It's something that I am learning to do on this journey.  Also, I was aware that I would have more knowledge on said stressful situation by this coming week. This resulted in my time-frame (7 days) where I would focus on more important things than losing pounds (yes they do exist).

I'm already feeling much better and I'm looking forward to bringing my A-Game next week and making some progress... or... at least make-up for this week.

So like Bob says up top, I fully intend to "Stand up and finish what I started".

It's MY Journey

I say this because I'm making a decision that I'm sure many 'perfect' dieters don't choose.  I'm taking a week off to deal with the other things going on in my life and not feel guilty too guilty about it.

Right now there are a lot of questions that I don't have answers to and quite frankly, my friends Big Mac and Fries seem to make me feel more at peace than Weight Watchers does at this moment.

Image Source

Does this mean I'm giving up??

HELL NO

I'm just giving myself one week to get my head wrapped around the things in my life that have just taken a sudden change and figure out which direction the winds are blowing.  Monday I will start with fresh weekly points, a fresh weigh-in and more knowledge than I have today.  I should know a lot more about things (and thus be able to deal with them in a more effective manor) by Monday.

Its MY journey and on MY journey I take breaks when I feel like I need them.  Its part of my version of balance.   Hopefully one day I will be so set in my ways that I have better ways of dealing with stresses but today the choice is: more stress and anxiety (the situation I have to deal with PLUS the fact that I'm struggling) OR less stress and anxiety and an easier time concentrating on important temporary matters.

I'm not saying it's the right way, I'm saying that at this time in my journey its MY way.

What a weekend! + Weigh-in

This weekend was a lot of things.

On Thursday I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. So by Friday night ended up acquiring a new one. Pretty handy since the new iPhone was released in stores on Friday (where I am anyways).

Saturday I kept busy with my kids going to the gym and out to a birthday party.

Sunday was my 5 year wedding anniversary. It ended up being a typical Sunday for us, with a few extra "Can you believe we've been married for FIVE years!?" statements. I went to the gym, and we all headed out to watch my 3 year old during his hockey class.

On the downside, I've been dealing with some pretty emotional things going on with someone close to me so I ended up caving on the food situation. I DID however keep it within my points values (used all weekly and all but 9 activity points) and I was down 0 this week. Still sitting at 221.8. On one hand I want to be happy about not gaining right now, but I feel like I've been putting a lot of effort in and I'm not seeing a return yet. 2.2lbs for 4 weeks of discipline doesn't seem fair enough.

I'm determined to keep with the plan for now though. Maybe I'm retaining some fluid from my strength training classes or some other reason, who knows.

I just know that if I don't start seeing that number go down shortly, I'm probably going to lose it!