Going back into 2.0 mode

I'm ready.

I didn't really explain why I was taking a break on here, but I'm feeling better and ready to get real with you/me.  

Stress

When I hurt my hip, I figured I would be off for a week and started out with a pretty great attitude towards it all.  I was totally on-track with my foods for the week and I was dropping pounds.  Then my hip didn't get better and to be honest it freaked me out a little.  (My hip is still messed up)

At the end of my low-cal week I was done with it and was frustrated because I wanted to eat more, exercise and still be able to lose weight at the same pace.  With me holding 199 over my head I have been doing the countdown and I know how much I have to lose each week to attain that goal.  Being injured doesn't really help with my plan at all.   I do not intend to EVER use a long term specific scale goal ever again because it is just too much pressure for me.

My Husband was offered a new job out of the blue last week, and it really stressed me out. I really want to feel stable financially so job changes always make me feel pretty anxious. (Big Breath) He starts tomorrow.  I'm feeling much better about the move now that its had a little time to sink in, and I think it will be a good fit for him.

I mentioned at the end of my last post that I may have been "onto something" the last time I lost weight and did it in stages.  I was so much more proud of myself and appreciative of every pound I lost.  I was HAPPY if I lost 5lbs in a month.  I was much more relaxed in my attempt to lose weight and it took much less mental energy.  I think I need to take a lesson from myself and stop putting so much pressure on myself.  Easier said than done I know, but I think in the long run it will help me to avoid the Up/Down roller coaster I've been on lately.

Now, I say SCREW 199.  At least screw getting there by my deadline of June 22nd.  I will pass it eventually, and that will still be an extremely rewarding day, but I need to take the pressure off because its messing with my head.  

So for the last 4 days I moved myself up to maintenance and indulged in foods that I haven't had in a long time, and didn't worry about my calories.  I tracked it all just to keep it honest, but I really just had anything I wanted.  None of it made me feel any better about my current situation, but it did help me realize that food can't actually make anything better.

I've got lots left to work on, but I'm going to try to take it one day at a time.  I'll do what I can (without driving myself insane in the process) to keep moving forward regardless of the pace.

Painfully adapting

Yesterday I killed my hip.  Well, at least I thought it was my hip.  Now I'm thinking it's actually my lower back. Regardless,  I don't want to push myself and make it worse so I am taking a complete rest. It didn't hurt me quite as much today but it still felt uncomfortable and not 'right'.

Those that have been following me regularly know that I have been struggling lately.  I've been making poor food choices all over the place and indulging far more frequently than would be considered 'healthy'.  I have been using my larger calorie allowance to spend on empty calories (after I meet the macros I aim for).

Last week I quit smoking.  *Gasp*  I know, it's not something I was proud of.  I was only having one evening cigarette a day with my husband, but it was kind of my nightly rebellion crutch.  Judge away, you might think "Ew, I didn't know she smoked" or "One a day? That's not even smoking", or if you're cool you'll just think "Way to go Megan".

Anyhow, last week I ate every single one of my exercise calories in addition to my regular ones and probably more.  I had a "Double Down", Tim bits, Lava Cake, easter chocolate, donuts, KFC... again, cupcakes, pizza, and more probably.  Yeah, not great choices. Lets be real though, it wasn't just last week, ever since the start of Push Phase I have really been struggling with poor choices (about 6 weeks ago).

So...  For now I have decided to eat less and go back to basics.  I spent the day going over my food diary during my more successful times and gathered some ideas for my grocery list. I also painfully set my calories lower to help balance out the fact that I am not working out for the next week.  The good news is that there isn't a lot of room for indulgences, and I think that's a good thing.  I'm going to get my feet back on solid ground, get my confidence back and really start from scratch.  When I can work out again I will bump up my calories and create a new normal for myself hopefully adding mostly healthy choices and keep my treats as treats and not every day events.

Today was my first day with lower calories, and while I did have the very last piece of birthday cake leftover from yesterday I was able to stay on track with all my other choices and end my day only 6 calories over.  I even said no to a second offered piece of cake and watched my husband devour his right beside me.  So today was a SUCCESS!

Storm week, in review

Exercise


3 Chalean Lifting workouts (Although 2 were back to back)
2 runs (10k and 7.25k)
4 walks
1 Chalean Recharge workout

598 minutes of exercise
4315 calories burned through exercise

Food cringe

2785 (Long run day, trying to eat more)
3533 (Power outage+ Huge storm)
2785 (Recovering)
2213 (Did, ok)
2729 (Ate back exercise calories)
1938 (Only on plan day this week)
2300 (Date night with hubby)

Challenges

Wow, well this week was just one big challenge.  Spent the last of our grocery money on eating out during the storm and power outage so we had to wait until Thursday before we could get proper groceries.

When my anxiety is high, I turn to food.  The storm and power outage completely threw me off schedule. and instead of making good dining-out choices, I opted for comfort in the form of calories.  This is something I need to work even harder on.  I believe it is something I will always have to deal with, and with TOM just around the corner, I was feeling pretty weak.

Since the power was out on Monday I didn't get my lifting in, I was nervous I would fall off schedule. I even contemplated moving my whole schedule back a week.  Instead, on Wednesday I did two back-to-back lifting workouts to get myself caught back up.  (Hurt like hell the next day too!)

Successes

Well, I've really only got one, but its a BIG one.  I got back on track.  My head is back in the game, and I am good to go!

Not super looking forward to weigh-in this week, but regardless what it shows, I will own it and then I'm going to work my ass off so I never see it again!  Onward and downward!

Picking myself up one piece at a time.

I've been quiet this week.  Not super proud of my week, but I am getting back on track so I feel like I can talk about it more.

Monday was a horrible day of food choices, no ChaLEAN, but I walked.

Tuesday was bad, but actually an improvement from Monday, and I walked.

Wednesday, although I made some poor choices, I ended up staying close to my calorie goal (and under when exercise calories are considered), and did 2 strength workouts and a big walk.

Today is Thursday, and I will be under calories, and get my workout in again. I'm just not "prepared" or eating as many fruits and veggies as I normally like because of my lack of preparation. I haven't had the resources to get all my groceries since Monday, so I will finally get some tonight!  Today is going pretty good, aside from the donut I just ate.

I plan to be 100% by tomorrow, meaning good choices, and sticking to my exercise plan.

Its hard to recover from a BIG fall.  I also realized today what may have helped me make those bad choices.
We were tight on money, and unable to prepare well.  Power went out and my whole routine got put out of whack which created anxiety.  Also (TMI) Tom will be in town shortly so I'm guessing my will-power was on a low.  One of the keys to my success so far is being well prepared diet-wise and sticking to my schedule.

I'm going to write this one off as one of those very infrequent happenings that will not be a part of daily challenges for me.  Today I'm doing ok, and tomorrow I will be doing GREAT again!  Now to flush all this sodium out of my system!

Note to my future self.

It's Christmas Eve and the stockings are hung, the kids are in bed and I have a few minutes to reflect.  I have a few things I want to tell myself for if/when I go through challenging times and might think about giving up.

Dear Me:  You can do this.  It's ok to have a few rough days.  Remember where you were when you began this journey?  You didn't always sleep very well because sometimes it was more difficult to breath.  You did a lot of sitting.  You were pushing a 4x in some clothes.  You had a pretty big double chin going on.  Sometimes you ate well over 3000 cals in ONE day.  You didn't wear your hair back as much because it didn't look good to you with your chin.   You got breathless walking around the block at one point.  You thought you had passed the point of no return and wanted to hide.

Guess what?  You are NOT that person any more!  Look how far you have come! You can RUN.  You sleep great!  You're wearing baggy pants.  Your chin is shrinking and you are getting your cheekbones back!! Your collar bones are next you know.  You're going to get to go shopping for nice clothes soon.  You can chase after the kids and have more fun with them!  You work out to relieve stress.  You have come a LONG way already.  Don't have the car today? That's ok, you've got two feet and a heart beat and you know how to use them! Remember when you walked home from town carrying Annalisa? You did that in 1h45m.  Remember how great you feel after an intense workout?  Remember how proud of yourself you are and how proud others are of you.  Remember the example you want to set for your babies.  Remember that maybe someone will see what you are doing and feel motivated to take the first step of their own journey.

So, however you are feeling right now, do me a favor.  Just give me one day.  Go and do a great workout, and eat well for ONE day.  You won't regret it.  If I know you (and I think I do) that will be all you need to get back on track and heading back in the right direction. You got this, and you're going to be one sexy bitch.  As a bonus you're also going to be healthier, happier, and more energetic.  You got that dress, you know the one, and you WILL wear it again one day.  What a day that will be!

GO WORKOUT!  Go now, or after work, or go in the morning, I don't care just GO!  Don't roll your eyes at me either because you know I'm right ;)

Aha moment!

Well, the last two weeks have been a challenge.

You know the feeling when you first start seeing results and its amazing, and then all of a sudden losing weight is all you can think about? You stay focussed as long as you keep seeing those results.  Then something happens and you have a rough week, your results slow (or sometimes you gain) and you feel like a bit of a failure.  THIS is the point where I usually start really struggling, I start days with good intentions but end up falling into old habits.   Its like I think "well I already messed up, might as well have one more day of ____. I'll start again tomorrow".

Going into this, I knew that was going to be my biggest obstacle.  This road has been a LONG one for me.  I've been battling my weight me ENTIRE teenage and adult life!  I was successful once. I lost 90lbs back in 2001-2003 and I kept the majority off for 2-3 years before I slowly (or maybe not so slowly) started packing it all back on PLUS about 67lbs *cough*.  I know what its like to win... but I know what its like to let it all slip away.

Last time I lost, I was focussed on and off, I'd go a couple months doing one thing and then stop.  I really lost in 3 separate phases. The first 20 was at the gym, I stalled for about 6 months and then started running.  I lost another 40 in about 6 months time then stalled again for 3-4 months... Then I ended up doing a LOT of walking due to life circumstances living in a big city and taking transit and walking to and from anywhere I had to go.  I ended up losing the last 30 over about 8-9 months.  So it wasn't really one focussed attempt, more like a whole  bunch of cards fell into place for me (weight-wise).

I went through a pretty traumatic experience in 2003.  It changed my entire life. In early 2004 I made the tough decision to leave my less than healthy (mentally/emotionally) life in the big city and moved back to my smaller home town.  That's when the battle to keep it off began.  For two years I really fought to keep my weight-loss.  I was running, and semi watching what I ate.  I attended a summer camp with all meals provided for two years and gained about 20lbs each summer, but I took it off each fall and maintained the rest of the year.

Then in 2006 I met my husband, got comfortable and proceeded to pack.it.on.   He was really sweet, but wanted to make me happy a little too much maybe? Any time I would even say "Oh I really want a __(Insert totally indulgent food here)" he would run out without a second thought and get it for me.  Most of the time when I would suggest treats I was half-joking, hoping he would be my willpower for me.  So its no shocker that over the next 5-6 years I gained it ALL back (plus the even more embarrassing 67lbs).

Its not that I haven't tried in that time, I tried often, but... I gave up often.  I've learned that I have an entitlement issue where if I see him having something "treat-like" I feel like I need to have something too.  I have also learned that I have used food as a way to "get back at" my husband or anyone/thing for doing things that basically pissed me off.  "Oh you want to go out and play poker instead of hanging out with me? FINE I'm gonna have a pizza!!".   Right... so who was I "getting back at"... well I'll give you a hint... she's typing this post right now.

I ended up paying all those prices, for all those times I needed support, for all those times I felt lonely, for all those times I felt deprived, I got a whole bunch of fat.  On top of that I started to get treated "different" again.  I was the fat girl again.  Talk about self destructive.  I stopped smiling as much.  I felt like if I put myself out there I would get responded to with "Yuck, why would I want to talk to you".  I got really guarded and defensive.

Something happened this year. I'm not sure if the fact that I have two kids kicked in, or what, but all of a sudden I started putting myself first.  I tried one diet and failed. Then I tried becoming exceptional at baking/cooking (talk about counter productive).  Finally in September I think I got it right... well right-ish. I started MFP!

Which brings me to the intent of this post.  (By the way I love being a woman because I am SO talented at digressing).  These last two weeks.  I had a spike week, followed by a really hard week without a lot of progress.  I was feeling down and REALLY scared that I was going to fall off the wagon.  Funny thing though about that wagon.  When you fall off it, it stops and wait for you to get back on.

I'm done making excuses, I'm done lying to myself.  Instead of finding an excuse, I am finding a WAY damnit.  So here I am, back on track and planning for the New Year.  I may have an off-day, and off-meal, and off-week... whatever.  I will pick myself back up and get back on that wagon EVERY damn time from now on.  I deserve it, my family deserves it, and so do my friends.  If you're reading this and don't know me personally, even YOU deserve it.  Why? Because its hope.