Hold UP!

This has been one very challenging week.

I did great getting all my workouts in, and getting them done in the morning.  I usually put up my weekly recap today, but I don't feel like going through it in detail.  Basically it was: working out was GREAT, my food not-so-much.  I ate every single one of my exercise calories this week and probably by the end of today, plus some.

I had a lot on my plate, and I hate saying/admitting that because its an excuse.  I had a lot going on behind the scenes as well that has thrown me off my game somewhat.  I feel like I'm caught somewhere in between being too hard on myself, and giving myself too much slack.

I weighed in just to check today I was only down 1lb from last week.  I'm not really surprised as I have had a few high sodium days and lots of lifting again this week.  Even though I know I have lots of reasons to be up a 1lb, its totally getting to me mentally.  As much as I would like be able to tell you all that its ok, it still gets to me when I see numbers that are not where I expected them to be.

Where does this leave me?

I think I'm going to forget about the f'n scale until the 1st of May.  My theory being that during my month off the scale, if I had a bad day, it was easier to get back on track. Right now if I mess up on Monday I feel like I ruined my week.  Then I use it as an excuse to slack and then "go hard next week".  (insert eye-roll here since I hate excuses, yet I still listen to my own sometimes and it makes me feel weak)

Also, although I love the strength and muscle I am building with ChaLEAN,it doesn't make as big of a difference on the scale.  Long-term its a great thing, but short-term while I'm chasing 199 for my birthday, all I really want is to get there.  In two weeks when I'm done ChaLEAN I'm going into operation 199 mode.  strength train once a week to maintain what I have built, and the rest will be cardio cardio cardio and getting a little more strict with my diet.

AFTER my birthday I will be 'back to normal', probably higher calories and hopefully just concentrating on my fitness goals while I am on the home-stretch of my journey.  I swear 199 is my last scale goal even though I will continue to lose weight after I hit it.  It's just too much pressure for me.  I can't stop thinking how many pounds I have to go.  I can't concentrate on the small goals because every time I do, I immediately relate it to 199.

By May 1st I hope to be down to 214.  Then I would have 7.5 weeks to drop 15lbs which would be 2lbs a week.  That's doable right???



P.S.  Sorry for the rambling today!

I'm pretty bad-ass

Can you tell from the title that I just got back from a run?

I am fighting this week strong!  I have made some bad choices, but I have also been working hard to not let them rule me.

I refuse to give up.  REFUSE!  This whole lifestyle part means that I will be doing this forever.  Sometimes I win, and sometimes I don't, but I get up and get back on track.

This may all seem like a repetitive theme on my blog, however, this is what I am going through, it is all part of the journey for me.  Win, lose, get back up and repeat (hopefully lose better)!

Today I won with my diet, and I also won with my run!  I kept my calories in check, and then I did a 7k speedwork run where I pushed my two kids in their stroller and still ran one mile at a 12min pace and another in just UNDER 12 min!  

This morning I weighed just to "check in" not as an official weigh-in.  I was up by 1lb. Guess what? I am absolutely not stressing about it.  Why? Because I just started the new phase of Chalean, the "Lean Phase" and that means using different muscles and that has water retention written all over it.  Remember last month when I worked my ass of the first week and then lost NOTHING! It was the same thing, I was retaining water, and then the next week when I BOMBED diet and exercise-wise I still lost 2lbs.  This month will be different. I will not bomb next week, I will continue keeping my head in the game and know that regardless what the scale says I am doing the best that I can and that results WILL come!

Speaking of the Lean Phase, WOW, it is intense!  I can see why most people see the best results this month! Hopefully mine are great this month too! The compound moves and number of reps are awesome.  I know I am going to want to repeat Chalean again already!

April weigh-in and progress pics

First off, I weighed in at

I'm not really excited about this number actually pretty damn good with this number.  I had a slow month, I ate too much, I exercised a little less than I would have liked and I struggled.  Overall its a loss, and really, I'm eighty-f'n-seven pounds lighter than my heaviest, and 67lbs down from 6.5 months ago. 

Here I am this morning. It was really sunny so my light was a little off from normal. 

The next one is March 4th, to April 1st.  Not really much difference, however since I only lost 6.4lbs for the entire month I am really not surprised.  On top of that with the heavy lifting in Chalean Extreme its typically the month with the least weight lost.

The difference from 6.5 months ago to now. Many days I still feel like the me in the top picture. I still look at myself like 'the obese girl'. I still feel like the first thing a person will notice about me is that I am overweight.  That might be true, but I am SO much closer to being at a size where that might not be the first thing someone thinks when looking at me. It might not even be the first thing I think when looking at me!

So, next month I hit the 210's! I have 2 months and 3 weeks until I turn 30, and I am dedicated to moving forward whether the pace be fast or slower. I really want to see 199 by June 22nd, but I think I just need to concentrate on small goals again since 199 is pretty much the ONLY thing I have been able to think about lately.  So if I get to 199, I will be incredibly happy but until then I'm going to focus on 5lb increments.  BRING ON 215!!

Back to Weekly Weigh-Ins

First off I want to celebrate that I have been up TWO mornings in a row to do workouts.  Considering I did not get up early for even one last week I feel very pleased with myself! I did however, wake up to a dull achy calf muscle, I'm wondering if its sore because of my plantar fasciitis night brace,  from being over-worked, or from being over-stretched,.  No matter which one I just hope it fixes itself and fast!

This morning I did Push Circuit 2 in ChaLEAN Extreme.  It felt great to get it done first thing and not have it looming over my head all day.  I'm enjoying lifting weights quite a bit.  I find myself listening to other people and wanting to shout "LIFT SOME WEIGHTS", but I know its just the "newness" of my love for strength-training coming out, and I remember how I HATED hearing (or reading in a lot of cases) people get all preachy about what they are doing diet/fitness-wise.

I do know that what works for me, works because I enjoy it and it is becoming part of my lifestyle.  If other people don't get the same pleasure out of the things I do or eat, then it won't be the plan for them. They key is finding something that can become your lifestyle.  Sometimes that's a long learning curve.

So, weekly weigh-ins.  I'm going back to them.  I like that they help keep you accountable.  Do I think I would have lost more weight last month had I weighed weekly?  No, not really, because I stayed pretty close to plan.  I DO know that I got more anxious closer to weigh-in because I knew other people were going to be watching and expecting big things from me.  Once I turn 30 (in 107 days/or 15 weeks and two days) I may go back to monthly weigh-ins, but that's up in the air. I will keep my progress pics set on the first of the month.

Oh! I have started planking.  Every night before I go to bed for the month of March, or maybe longer, I will do a plank.  So far I'm up to a 1min 15sec!  There isn't a LOT of abs in ChaLEAN so I figured I would add a little something, and it only takes up a few minutes of my day :)

4 more sleeps until weigh-in!

Wow, its been a month since I weighed!  NEVER thought I could do that!

Since I am doing the ChaLEAN Extreme program and my 4th week of Burn phase ends on Saturday I have decided to do my weigh-in and pics on Sunday  and then repeat after Push phase and Lean phase which are also 4 weeks each.

To be quite honest, I'm feeling a little lazy this week.  My hip has been sore since my 10k so I had an excuse decided not to run yesterday and take a rest day instead.  Good thing too because I was pretty busy with Annalisa's birthday!

I did it last night!! I only had ONE piece of cake.  I originally didn't do too bad on the pizza either putting me at 100cals over for the day (which to me is NOT a big deal)... but... a few hours later I ended up mindlessly eating two more pieces of pizza. In the end I was more like 600cal over for the day (hanging head in shame).  I'm still proud about the cake though because cake is my biggest weakness.

I'm hoping that weigh-in and progress pics this weekend will help me re-group.  Its not like I'm falling off the wagon or anything, I just feel like my enthusiasm isn't all there.

Now I have to decide if I want to keep monthly weigh-ins for another month, or go back to weekly... Thoughts?

Struggling.

Well its been a few days since I posted.

Well I had 3 not-so-great days last week, and this week I just had one.  I didn't go over my calories with exercise but I KNOW I could have made better choices.

I'm getting nervous about my end of month weigh-in. I know I'm not really supposed to see big numbers, but I still would like to.

I'm feeling nervous that if I don't see much improvement I will feel like I just wasted a month.  On the other hand, I KNOW I am making progress.  I ran 8 kilometres (5 miles for my US residents), and that is huge for me!!  Seriously, at 236 (ish) pounds I ran for an hour and 15 minutes straight.  What a big accomplishment!  Also I am really liking Chalene Extreme, my muscles are always feeling worked, and I know I'm already getting stronger.

I guess its just the mental part.  It's not as easy as saying "I don't give a crap what the scale says".  There is a whole lot more work I will have to do to be 'ok' with it.  That is a goal of mine though.  I want to be able to use the scale as a tool, and at the same lead such a balanced lifestyle that I can feel confident knowing I am doing all that I can to get healthy and fit.

I think that's why I have been quiet the last few days.  I really enjoy sharing my successes.  Writing about my struggles is a little harder to do, but I know that to tell the whole truth to myself and to anyone reading this I need to suck it up and acknowledge those here too.

This journey is not easy.  Not for many anyhow.  The reason I have been successful so far is realizing that I can overcome these struggles and keep moving forward.  I CAN. Watch me!


Side Note:  My kids are so awesome.  My daughter Anna will be 1 in two weeks, and Landon will be 3 in April, and I am totally soaking up their stages right now.  Anna is "talking", but I wish I knew what she was saying.  She even has facial expressions and body language to help accentuate.  Its so darn cute. Landon is crazy with how much he understands now.  Tonight Anna was crying in her crib and he grabbed a toy, ran down the hall to her room, went in and then gave her the toy to make her "feel better".

Life without the scale.

Not as hard as I thought it would be.  (Mind you its only been a week and a half)

When I committed to this journey, one of the things I knew very early on, was that I wanted to get to the bottom of all the psychological things that contributed to me gaining this weight.  I have already lost and gained 90lbs PLUS, so if I give all that effort again, I want to be prepared at the end of my journey to live a healthier life. I want to have all the tools I need to keep me from gaining it all back again!

For the first 5 months of this journey I have been pretty buried in counting all my calories, and exercising like a mad woman.  I feel like I am entering a different stage right now.  One thing I feel like I am doing better than I did last time, is planning ahead.

I had a bit of an "Ah Ha" moment yesterday.  I realized that the last time I lost weight, I was single, free from emotional baggage (or at least that baggage was carry-on sized), and I was only responsible for me. One stupid fucked-up just plain bad relationship later and there had been a lot of damage done, and  baggage created (definitely check-in sized).

The Past

I was able to keep my weight under control for the first few years after that because I was (for the most part) single and able to focus on myself. Then comes Jeff.  I knew within 3 months of dating that I had met the man I was going to marry.  We got married 1 year and 9 months after we met. We loved each other, but my baggage was not gone. I had trust issues.  Trust issues that I pretty much ate my way through.

Dealing with it has been tough, and only in the last year can I say I think I finally have taken care of it. I'm finally in a place where I can let go of the things (or at least most of them) that hurt me in the past and give my husband the amount of trust he deserves.

I realized that by working on these things, and being able to be comfortable, secure and happy in my relationship (and with myself in general), I now am able to have the strength and motivation to really work on myself again.  Its like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about it any more.

Preparing for the future

Putting the scale away is like practice for the future.  Its like the first time your parents leave you home alone in the house.  A test.  I know I don't have to weigh in this week, but I am still logging my foods and getting all my exercise in.

I'm doing this not just because I want to lose the pounds, but because I want to be more fit, I want to gain muscle, I want to eat healthy, and I want to live longer.  Sure it will be validating when the number goes down, but the number doesn't make me run faster, or put cuter clothes on me, or even accurately reflect what size I am.  In high-school I had two friends of the same hight, who wore the same size, one was 110lbs and one was 145lbs.

I still would LOVE to be in Onederland for my birthday in June please please please please please, but after that I really want to be in a healthy head space where I'm just working on getting strong, fit and into cute clothes.  I want to be able to say that while I know my number, I am not defined by it.

P.S.  This is one of my most proud accomplishments because I really feel like I am doing all this in a healthy well-rounded way, and that I am putting in the prep-work to maintain my success... and now I hope I don't have to ever eat those words one day!

Putting the scale away!

I had put it out there a few days ago that I was considering a monthly weigh-in.

I decided back in December that I was going to do Chalane Extreme (a 90 day strength focused program) when I finished the 30 Day Shred. The idea of taking the time concentrate on muscle building is just plain smart weight-loss, even smarter if you have been doing it all along. More muscle = more calories burned.

Since I am on this journey long-term, I need to think about long term goals. When I get to maintenance, do I want to be stuck to a 1200-1400 calorie a day diet to maintain... OR would I like to be eating 1600-2000 calories a day plus some exercise calories on top? I mean really, which one would you choose?

In addition to doing the Chalene Exteme Program, I have increased my daily calories to my BMR which right now is 1850. I'm doing this so I can maintain current muscle as well as build new muscle.

The scary part of these changes is that during the transition, the scale may not show an accurate reflection of what is really going on with my body. I am going to have to TRUST that I am doing the right thing for my body and wait a little longer to see those benefits on the scale.

I had a few people with "mixed" feelings on doing a monthly weigh-in. The common question is: "What if you get off track because you don't have to weigh-in?" My answer for that now is:  I seem to be on the right track nutrition-wise, and I don't feel in any danger of falling off that wagon because I still keep my food diary public for all my MFP pals to see and I will still be logging every morsel of food that enters this body.

Knowing what I do about increasing calories and starting a new fitness regimen, I will most likely see no-loss or even an increase in the first few weeks and I believe that weighing (while I try my best not to take the scale too seriously) may just be discouraging.

I'm going to have to put my inner instant gratification whore away for a while, measure my progress in inches instead of pounds and really remember that I am doing this for long-term gain.

This has been a hard decision to make because I desperately really want to get to my goal of seeing the 100's for my 30th birthday.  I may still make it there, but I also have to prepare myself for the fact that I might just have to look like I weigh in the 100's on my birthday.  Eventually I may even have to raise my goal weight too, if I am doing lots of strength training and toning, I may look better at 160, than I once did at 149.

So, I will still do weekly recaps of food and exercise, but I'm not going to weigh myself until March 1st, when I will also do my next progress photos!

Progress Pictures and a Small Gain

So I weighed myself today, only for accuracy with my progress photos, I'm up one pound from Sunday.

I share this because I am not worried about it! I have sore muscles and I'm still dealing with TOM. Also I have been on the right track with my food and exercise so, Mr. Scale can tell me I'm up all he wants today, we'll see who's boss at the next weigh in.

Speaking of which, I'm debating on whether that should be weekly still, or if I should give a monthly weigh in a try.

So, as promised here are a few progress pics.

This one below is Jan 1st to Feb 1st

This one is from the start of my journey in September, where I was already down 23lbs from my heaviest.

Weigh-In time!

Wow, this was awesome!!

238!!

-4lbs this week! After the last two weeks seeming a little slow, this feels like my perseverance is paying off!!

Will post later on today with my Spa day!

First Post of 2012, Success!!

December was a ROUGH month!! I was challenged in a lot of ways! I made a lot of bad choices. Between time-off, injury, having my co-worker leave for 3 months (yes there is only one person I work with), holiday goodies, and stress, I think I actually did pretty good! I'm down 7lbs for December! Sure it could have been more... If I was perfect.

I'm not perfect though and losing while facing challenges is a big success for me!

Originally in September I wanted to hit 240lbs by January 2nd. In early December I realized that would most likely not be realistic for me, an decided to change my goal to 245.

In hind-sight it would have worked out if I didn't have such a rough patch for two weeks, if I hadn't ever decided to have a "spike week". But maybe it will help me long term, who knows.

This morning, I HIT my mini-goal!!!

42lbs lost in 3.5 months!


Now, onto the present. January is going really well so far! I've been under on my calories, and have everything pre-logged for the week, and today I finished my first day of the 30 Day Shred!! Here I am post-workout and still smiling.

Jillian had my heart rate up around 170-180 the entire workout!!! WOW.  

I'm feeling so positive right now.  I *CAN* do this.  I feel like I'm just starting and the last 3 months was really a week. I'm not sure why. I don't know when you're supposed to feel like a veteran weight loser, but I'm not there yet. 

One thing I can see being an issue is that I still see my 300lb self in the mirror. I still think of myself as that same larger woman. I mean I am definitely still large, but I'm nervous that there will come a time where I am not obese any more and I won't be able to see it. Maybe it will just take time.  

For now I am enjoying my Skinny Cow Ice Cream cone and prepping for another morning with Jillian!

One of my secrets.

I usually weigh-in on Mondays, and I have been pretty good about only weighing on Mondays. I do this so I don't get caught up too much in the numbers, because while sometimes they can be motivating... other times the numbers can de-rail me.

There is an exception to this. If I get on that scale on Monday, and the scale tries to give me bad news, not-so-good news, or just plain not-good-enough news, then I allow myself a "re-weigh" on Tuesday.

Now if the scale is in a better mood on Tuesday, I record that weight instead. Obviously it means it's more accurate right ;) If the scale is still not feeling generous then I will just accept that I didn't do quite so well that week or that my scale is trying really hard to piss me off. Then I wait until Monday again in hopes that between my hard work and the scale having some time to relax, we can have a better result.

With all that being said, this morning the scale was WAY nicer to me than yesterday, I even weighed multiple times to make sure the scale wasn't going to change its mind! I am finally moving in the right direction!!! 250 even! I want so badly to be in the 250s and I'll be there any day now :) these 250's have been here long enough!!

New Scale

I said I wasn't going to weigh myself until Jan 2nd... But I got a new scale yesterday. I am not to blame! We went looking at scales because the one i have burns through batteries like my kids do diapers. We walk into London Drugs, and there it was, sitting in front of us... The Biggest Loser scale. The Biggest Loser *may* just be my favorite show right now. Also, sometimes, I may pretend I am on The Biggest Loser and chant to myself "If they can do it on Biggest Loser, so can I" when I'm in the middle of an intense workout and want to quit.

I've just outed myself as a huge dork.

Anyways, the result was ok, but I got excited because I weighed mid-day yesterday and saw a lower number. This morning it was up 1.5lbs. So I'm still on my way down from spike week and this last week really wasn't super amazing either so I shouldn't be surprised.

I get too caught up in the number. Sure I have sore muscles and could be holding on to some water, it could also be that it is a new scale. Maybe it's just payback for saying I wasn't going to weigh until New Years, and then doing it anyways... No matter what, it's now my number to start this week off, and I don't want to see it again!