Rounding the corner!

I gave myself some slack this week to deal with things going on outside of Megan 2.0.  The scale will probably me angry with me, but I feel like I'm really going to be prepared to give it my all next week!

I know what happened to me earlier in the year when I didn't take breaks and allowed myself to take on too much... Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

In fact, you know what?  I'm going to put it out there as it's now behind me.  Early this summer I started suffering from panic attacks and anxiety.  I'm pretty sure part of it was just putting too much on myself and consuming my brain in an all-or-nothing approach to weight-loss, where I felt like a failure if I was FIVE calories over for the day.  I sweated all the small stuff.
That was actually the reason why I was so quiet during July and most of August.  I had to get my head in a good place and get back the mental strength I needed to continue.

Now, while I will push myself, I will not push myself TOO hard to where I endanger my emotional wellness.

This week I had so much going on that stressing about the small things was NOT a healthy option for me. I know how easily I can over-stress things and for me I really need to prioritize.  It's something that I am learning to do on this journey.  Also, I was aware that I would have more knowledge on said stressful situation by this coming week. This resulted in my time-frame (7 days) where I would focus on more important things than losing pounds (yes they do exist).

I'm already feeling much better and I'm looking forward to bringing my A-Game next week and making some progress... or... at least make-up for this week.

So like Bob says up top, I fully intend to "Stand up and finish what I started".

It's MY Journey

I say this because I'm making a decision that I'm sure many 'perfect' dieters don't choose.  I'm taking a week off to deal with the other things going on in my life and not feel guilty too guilty about it.

Right now there are a lot of questions that I don't have answers to and quite frankly, my friends Big Mac and Fries seem to make me feel more at peace than Weight Watchers does at this moment.

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Does this mean I'm giving up??

HELL NO

I'm just giving myself one week to get my head wrapped around the things in my life that have just taken a sudden change and figure out which direction the winds are blowing.  Monday I will start with fresh weekly points, a fresh weigh-in and more knowledge than I have today.  I should know a lot more about things (and thus be able to deal with them in a more effective manor) by Monday.

Its MY journey and on MY journey I take breaks when I feel like I need them.  Its part of my version of balance.   Hopefully one day I will be so set in my ways that I have better ways of dealing with stresses but today the choice is: more stress and anxiety (the situation I have to deal with PLUS the fact that I'm struggling) OR less stress and anxiety and an easier time concentrating on important temporary matters.

I'm not saying it's the right way, I'm saying that at this time in my journey its MY way.

Everyday I'm Gym'n it!

Ok, not really everyday, but every weekday I am home, I plan to gym it.  I know its only day two but spending an hour each morning to myself, possibly getting my Netflix affair back ON feels like a win/win to me!

This morning I was a little tired when I got up, but still just as excited.  I even made it there 5 whole minutes earlier than yesterday.  I thought about joining the spin class, but it still seems pretty intimidating.  I feel weird because I don't know the typical group class etiquette.  Like what if I unknowingly take someone's favorite spot and then they turn into an angry honey-badger and curse me out in their heads the whole class. Am I supposed to just grab whichever bike I want? Do I introduce myself to the teacher as a newbie, or is that tacky and overboard? Achem, because cool people like me worry about that stuff.

On a more positive note I did try something new today: The Row Machine.  I had stared at this one before. I *may* have rolled my eyes at it and thought "Who would want to row at the gym? That seems like a cop-out workout."  (Yes, I too can be judgemental, but I am SO MUCH BETTER about it than I used to be).  Since I am still (WTF) injured, and needing low-impact cardio, and the step machine didn't help the situation I decided it was time.  Time to try the row machine.  I really only felt awkward for the first 5 minutes.  The last 5 minutes were good until my arms and back were spent.

Verdict on the gym so far... I LOVE IT!

On the nutrition side of things is a whole new story.

*WARNING*  -- Lack of perfection ahead

So I'm pretty much in full blown "I feel like a failure mode".  In the last 8 weeks... (taking a breath, holy shit its been 8 weeks) since my hip injury, I have had two good weeks, two botched comebacks, lots of bad days and some good days.  I tracked EVERYTHING up until a week ago.  I feel like in the last two months tracking has not been helping me, its been hurting me.  All these guilty feelings and stress have been causing me to spiral a little bit out of  way out of control.  On May 31st I was 217.6 so I had only gained 2.8lbs from my lowest in April so even though I have spiralled, its not AS bad as it could have been.  I'm probably sitting around 221/222 right now with water retention and increased food intake.

My current plan is:

1. focus on getting my GYM on  
2. relax a little bit
3. work on the root problems to why I gained weight in the first place

I feel like number 3 is the most important going forward because I felt the change in my confidence and mojo as soon as I hit the 220's.   Like a ton of bricks hitting me, something inside just said STOP.  I need to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward and so when I get to my goal I can stay there.

So there you have it, the good, bad, funny, and the painfully awkward.

Holding steady...

5 weeks into my injury.

5 weeks of no running.

4 weeks of maintenance and some over indulging.

I haven't been writing much because I'm not too sure what I should report.

There is a big part of me that feels like a gigantic failure for going into maintenance.  I have given up on reaching 199 by my birthday because I found I was stressing about it TOO much and was having all these anxious obsessive thoughts about it.

I feel weak for admitting that I needed wanted a mental break.

I also had a bunch of stuff go on in a short amount of time which proved one thing.  I'm not cured.  I used food to comfort myself.  My husband changed jobs, I got injured, I've been sick and sick again, laryngitis and then gastroenteritis, and my plantar fasciitis is acting up a lot.  Guess what?  Its really just a whole bunch of excuses, and I accepted them.

Regardless of all that, I still feel strong.  I know I'm not done, and  I KNOW I will be back on track shortly.  I am 100% confident that I will not backslide, and that I will be back to making progress in the very near future.

I'm not completely off-track either, just not making any progress and enjoying not restricting myself!

Re-focussing, mind over matter.

Since hurting my back on Sunday's 14k run, I have decided to rest my body and allow it to heal. This devastated me because working out is a big part in my losing weight, and it allows me, evens requires me, to eat more food.

It's no secret that I have been struggling with my food consumption and choices for the last few months, often going over and losing confidence in my ability to control what goes in my mouth.

This break from exercise may be exactly what I needed right now. It is forcing me (well if I want to be successful anyways) to eat smaller portions and plan ahead to make sure I don't go over. I moved my calorie goal down to 1240 while I'm resting and I am actively practicing will-power and winning.

I want to keep it clear, I am still an advocate for eating more, especially when you are exercising. 1240 won't be a long-term thing for me. As soon as I start exercising again (hopefully soon) I will go back up to 1650 or so, but for now, at 1240 it's resetting me mentally because in order to not be hungry eating that much you need to practice portion control and eat healthy foods. My hope is that it will give me my confidence back when it comes to food. I have been eating way too much junk lately and junk leads to more junk!!

This morning as a result I was finally down to 218.2! This makes a 1.8lb loss for the month so far (we're over half-way through) but its better than the 2 I was up :P

This also meant giving up ChaLEAN, but I think I made the right choice for me at this moment. Chalean will always be there for me to do again, and I DO plan on finishing it in the future!