I'm hanging on!

So remember earlier in the week when I was saying how I had been emotionally eating?

Well I am happy to report that I have bounced back and still have 28 of my weekly points in tact along with 23 of my activity points earned (so far).   Thank goodness.  I think Pumpkin Fluff saved me yesterday, because I was set on having something sweet.

I was just reading this article with weight loss tips over at Everydayhealth.com and it got me thinking about my own sleep habits.  I do notice that when I am tired, my willpower becomes weak.  That could have been part of my problems on Monday because I had been up later than usual watching a movie on Sunday night...

What do you think? Does sleep affect your eating patterns?

Anyhow.  After taking my progress pictures yesterday, I think I am really starting to be proud of the progress I have made so far.  I mentioned yesterday that sometimes I still feel like my before picture, and I do, but now I can see such a significant change that it's helping me realize that even when I mess up, I am no where near where I started and I DO have the strength to keep going!!

I Am Tough Enough!

Goal for the next 3 days!!

Ok, so this morning I was finally able to get out of bed early enough to work out.

I was hesitant to get out of my bed, but I did it.  I headed out on an easy 4k run.  I decided to head for the hill because I love the view, and it was guaranteed to be great because the sun was just coming up.  I ended up running 5k because it's an extra K to go to the hill. I felt so amazing when I was done!

This was the view from the top!

OMG, this was exactly what I needed.  After I was done with my run and tidied the house a little, I made myself a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast and actually sat down to gloss over a magazine in sweet sweet silence before the chaos of my day unfolded! Throughout my day I had so much energy I ended getting a bunch of stuff done along with an extra workout.

Back when I started my journey all my workouts were in the a.m. and I remember it felt great!  Somewhere during January/February I slowed down and eventually stopped working out in the morning.  I've gotten a little lazy with it and it shows in the struggles that I have had in the last two months.

My goal now for this week is to wake up BY 6am or earlier to get my workouts in and have a little "Me" time before my day starts!  I think it will go a long way to getting my head back in the game, and hopefully I will feel inspired to re-commit to making that a regular part of my routine.  Now, hopefully I can get to bed on time!

What time of day do you like to work out?

Then vs. now

This is where I started from.  I remember when I was pregnant (Top left and bottom right at about 2-3mos) I could barely WALK around the block without getting winded.  My feet hurt just from standing, my neck-fat made it harder to breathe when I was going to sleep, I was topping out in size 24 clothing.  I pretty much resigned to the thought that I would be fat forever.  

Below is where I am now.  I'm roughly half-way to my goal weight-wise, but I believe I am in the best shape of my life.  I'm currently a size 16/18 and 220lbs.  I can run 13k non-stop, and I am lifting heavier that I ever have before (except for possibly squat-wise when I was training for track and field).

These next pics are a few of me at my lightest.  Top left was me around 160ish, and the other 3 are me at 149lbs. I was a size 6-8 and sometimes 10.  I had done some running to get to that point but for the most part I walked and ate less, period.  I was skinny, but I was also skinny-fat.  I still felt at 149 like I had another 10-15lbs to go but I hadn't been running for a while, and never lifted any weights.  

I used to think I wanted get back here.  Now I realize I want to get to somewhere else.  I want to be fit!  I want to be toned, strong and sexy. I want to achieve fitness goals and have energy! My motivation is entirely different too.  Back then I was young, single and had never been skinny.  I wanted attention, and revenge.  Not any more. I don't have anything to prove, and I'm not doing it for anyone else but ME.  I'm at a place where I am feeling more and more comfortable with who I am, and not really caring so much about what I think others might think.  

I am finally at a place where I can just put myself out there and be ok with the fact that not everyone will like me, but those that DO, will like me for exactly who I am. 

I am so excited for my future beyond my 30th birthday (That is what I have been concentrating on this last 6 months).  I'm going to be fit, fun and full of life!  I won't be the person I was at the beginning of my 20's, I'll be better!

So far, So good... Ugh?

^^ That right there is how I am doing so far this month.   Cautious since last month I felt like I lost momentum, but winning in the big picture.  

I'm huge on analysing myself  things pretty much anything that interests me.  So I want to figure out WHY I lost momentum.  What was different last month?

A) Return to weekly weigh-in: Is it possible that going back to weekly weigh-in assisted in this?  At first I didn't think of it because before February I had lost weight just fine with my weekly weigh-ins and felt motivated each week by my weigh-in.  BUT In February I believed in myself and the process and when I had ONE bad day it never turned into a week, it was just one day.  In March I noticed myself giving up half-way through the week and feeling bad all week until it was over and I had another one to start "fresh".  

Oh man, this opens my eyes to something else.  I've been giving myself excuses! "You already ruined your week Megan, might as well take advantage before you get back on track next week".  WHAT!?!?  

STOP EVERYTHING

This is just the kind of shit that got me here in the first place. 

What does this show me?  

• I need to get back to basics
• I still have a lot to learn
• This journey will carry on much longer than just getting to a goal weight

I just realized I had every intention of making a list bigger than "A".  Oh well, sometimes I guess when you write things out it can take you off track and on to something more important.  

I am not going to go back to a monthly weigh-in right now because I don't think that the frequency that I weigh-in should affect my weight-loss if I'm doing things right. I will stay weekly, BUT I am now aware that I have been doing these things and have the power to take that knowledge, and change those bad habits, one at a time!

"You'll need to lose some weight"

**First a disclaimer:  I love my Grandpa, he has Alzheimer's, and I know he did not intend to hurt my feelings... well maybe he thought it would motivate me??

I can remember my Grandpa commenting on my weight from the time I was 11, before I was overweight in any respect.  He commented on it at my heaviest, and when I was at my lightest he said "You look good with the weight off you kid".  At my heaviest he remarked "You're as big as the fridge!!", and finally last night, after losing 86lbs he says "You'll need to lose some weight!!" after my Aunt tells him I am training for a half-marathon.

I was having a really good day up to that point.

Now that I am more aware of how I react to things, it makes emotional eating harder (not impossible, but harder).   Last night I had already planned ahead for an indulgent meal and dessert so I was feeling pretty full last night, no additional harm done there.  Today however, was a new chance to screw up.  After really thinking about it I decided I would get a treat, but then let it go and finish my day strong.  I ended up having two treats and feeling horrible (chocolate scone and chocolate milk), but I decided to plan out the rest of my day and continue to finish strong.  This I have done.  I even have some spare calories that I am choosing not to eat.

How do you deal with hurtful comments?    I suppose I'm just going to try to forget about it, and move on.  Dwelling on it and soothing my emotions will not get me to where I want to be.  The only person I will be hurting by saying "F**K it" would be ME, so why should I take his hurtful comments and then continue to hurt myself even more? This is what I have done in the past, and now looking back on it... it doesn't make any sense!!

This journey, good, bad and ugly, is about learning to deal with things in a positive manor more often than not, I wouldn't say "all the time" because really... who is perfect?  Definitely NOT me, and not many people I know.

In the end, the comments hurt, but just like any judgement, they don't define me.  Those hurtful comments only define who my Grandfather is/was.

Today I celebrate not being defeated by hurtful comments!!

Mental Block?

I don't know what's going on.

I'm back on plan, so I should keep seeing results, but for some reason I'm just not able to wrap my head around where I am at right now.

I read a lot of success stories on MFP, and lots of them have people starting where I am now, or heavier, and 6 months later or so they are in Onederland and looking good.  Then I find myself feeling jealous of these people and thinking "Wow, I wish I could do that".

The thing is, I CAN do that.  I am getting close.  I just can't wrap my head around it though.  If I stay on plan, I *should* be in the 210's in the next few weeks, which is close to the 200's which is VERY close to the 100's.   And to be quite honest with you all, and myself, it's kind of freaking the crap out of me out right now.

Part of me is here, ready to fight, ready to kick ass, and ready to take names...  Then there is that other part of me.  The part that's telling me I have SO FREAKIN FAR TO GO, that I can't do it, that it's too hard, that I suck.

Every time I think about how much weight I have to lose, my mind automatically thinks I'm still 236, not 226 or 224.  I don't know why I keep thinking I'm 236.  Maybe its because I didn't weigh for a month and it stuck?

Anyhow, that's just what's running through my head lately.  Keepin' it real, and thought I would share.

Still Fighting, Still Learning

Here I am, 6 months into my lifestyle change, you think I'd be pro and have it all figured out my now, wouldn't you?

I don't.

I'm not "fixed", I still fight each and every day.  I have had a lot of winning days, days I am proud of.  I can balance my calories and meet all my macro-nutrient goals (Less Carbs, More Protein, Less fat, More Fiber, Less Sodium), I can run 10 entire kilometers, I can lift heavy weights, I can do a lot of things I never before thought possible.

Today was not one of those days. Today was a test, and I failed... BIG time!

I woke up this morning at 4am because of crazy ass winds!  Seriously, it was the biggest, roughest storm I can remember!

Our power was out from 7:45am until 8:15pm.  I had breakfast at home, but I didn't have my usual groceries, and no access to the other foods I have that require power to make them.

We ended up spending the day driving around taking pics of the aftermath, and then the sun came out so we went for a long walk to check things out a little closer.

We ended up eating out the rest of the day.  I should have made good choices.  I should have kept my head in the game. I didn't.

Today I gave in to anxiety, I gave it to urges and I gave in to rebellion.

We had fast food for lunch, and restaurant take-out for dinner, WITH a side of donuts.

So, today was a BIG reminder of how far I have to go. It was a reminder that no matter how far I have come, I need to keep fighting.  Keep getting back up, and keep kicking ass.

Here are some pics of the storm aftermath!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to make it a good one!

Losing my spark

Ever have those times where you look through old stuff and try to re-evaluate life?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 shortly, who knows, but I just did that. I was looking through old keepsakes and remembering things a have pushed away for one reason or another. I remember that I used to have a brighter spark. I impacted people and they cared for me. I remember having more charisma.

My first job was at a department store and I absolutely loved it. I made some great friendships there, some of which I still hold on to until this day. People there saw something in me, potential. Some had even wanted me to take on larger roles leading to management! It gave me a sense of confidence. I found something I was good at, and other people recognized it!

Then I left and got a wonderful job in an office. The same thing happened and people there recognized something special in me. When I went through some rough times I had people demanding I get paid time off, paid time off that they were willing to give up their very own paychecks for. Later on they fought for me to get a raise because they thought I was worth more than I was receiving.  Toot toot! People don't do that kind of stuff if you're a weeny.

I read my goodbye card from this particular job last night. It really touched me that all these people cared for me so much. Facebook wasn't around back then, so I have lost touch with all but one of them, but it was probably my favorite job. I can't think of any reason why I would ever have voluntarily left or been let-go of there. The reason I did leave was a bad relationship, that required moving far away from, to be safe.

I moved home, and still maintained my spark although it was slightly less bright. I worked at a summer camp for 2 summers and another branch of the same department store, made more wonderful friends. I felt pretty good.

Then came my first job in childcare. LOVED it. I had found my calling. I felt like a rock-star, and my co-workers were awesome. After one year, the owners decided to split and I was one of two staff kept to work at a smaller daycare run by someone else. This person did not like me at all  didn't see the same things in me, and ended up firing me. When I look back, THIS is the moment where I lost my spark. I was never quite the same after.(After all I had been through and all the positive people who believed in me and loved me, this one person who thought so negatively of me, made me question everything about who I was) I was still a good worker, still friendly, still loved kids, but just not quite as charismatic and confident as I once was.

I ended up going to get my ECE after. I was ok. I was smart and did great in my courses, but I developed more of a backbone and didn't really know how to use it well. The next two jobs after school didn't have quite the same zest and when I was pregnant with my son I decided to open my own center.

Since then I have been good, but still missing that brighter spark I once had.  I work with one other person, or on my own most times.  I think I miss all the positive re-enforcement.  I can bust my butt and do all the right things, but many of them go un-noticed by anyone else. Even when they do,  I don't always have the confidence to believe other people when they recognize it. Maybe I could pay Crystal to tell me what a GREAT job I'm doing all the time!

Some people think you shouldn't validate yourself through the actions of others, but I think its human nature. The more positive re-enforcement I get to show me I am doing good things, the more confidence I have, and eventually the less re-enforcement I will need.

The happy part: Through The Megan 2.0 Project I feel like I might be getting some of that spark back again.  People are writing and telling me that I am inspiring them to do positive things!  Friends and family are proud of my accomplishments, and I feel good about the direction I am going.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same vibrant girl I was in my early 20's, but I can be the best, most improved version of myself in my 30's, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

TGIF!

The last week I do not know what has gotten into me.  I just feel run down.  Last night I had a tickle in my throat so its possible that I could be coming down with something.  I suppose its possible I could be a little run-down, but I have been exercising less (although more intense with my weights).  Regardless of why, I'm taking it easy this week. It's the opposite of what I would have liked to do since weigh-in and progress pics are just around the corner.  

Other than Tuesday my eating has been on track.  I guess I can celebrate that.  Usually when I'm tired, my willpower weakens and those are the times I end up in the most trouble.  Last night I found myself having a conversation with ME in my head.  "Why do I feel anxious right now? Could it be weigh-in?  Mmmm I want something delicious.  NO, I just had something delicious (bananas, greek yogurt and graham cracker crumbs), I'm not hungry and I don't need anything".

Why do negative things always seem more prominent that the positives?  It's not like I've been sedentary and binge eating. I still walked Monday and Thursday, and did my ChaLEAN lifting workouts, and oh yeah RAN 10k on Sunday.  **

I this is where I usually run into problems with my "extremist" side.  I end up feeling like a failure if I'm only giving 80% instead of 110%. How do I plan on overcoming that now, and in the future.  Well, first thing is recognizing it.  Done.  Next is to write about it. Doing.  Then I need to recognize that I am still miles away from where I started and moving in the right direction.  I may not be going at the same pace as I like to, but regardless I will get there. 

I'm going to give my body a few more days of easy, and then I want to hit next week HARD!  I start ChaLEAN Push phase on Monday, and I'm really excited to build some more muscle!

**I love writing these blogs.  Sometimes, half-way through a post, I'll have a realization that helps me see something I was not able to see before.  Where the astrisks are is right where this happened for me today :)

Things change, and lessons I've learned

**Disclaimer** This is my place to write out what I am going through, I am writing it here to put it out in the open, but I am by no means saying that this is about you or your journey, or even that it will work for you, it is strictly about ME and MY JOURNEY.

When I first started this journey I had my idea of how it was supposed to go. No matter how much reading, or talking I did, no one could talk me out of it, because I justified it ALL.

• Move as much as possible, cardio, cardio, cardio, BURN those calories
• Cardio now, Strength later (like when I'm done or close to goal)
• The closer to 1200 calories, the better
• No "bad" foods, because you have to eat clean to lose weight, and those are what got you fat in the first place
• Losing weight is hard and painful and you won't enjoy it
• Lose the weight as fast as possible

The result, I lost weight.  BUT I felt like a failure every time I didn't burn enough calories, have the energy to workout, ate something "bad",  or lost less than 2lbs.  I felt like when I enjoyed my exercise I must not have given it my all.

Basically I was torturing and punishing myself for allowing my body to get into the state it was in.

For me, things have changed. It's been gradual, one thing evolving at a time. First, I LOVE my cardio, and will get it in when I can but I don't beat myself up if I 'only' burn 250 calories in a day.

I am finding that I absolutely love strength training.  I'm finding muscles popping out all over the place, and my body feels different.  It really sunk in for me after months of trying to deny it, that the rest of my journey will be easier, and more well-rounded if I strength train now. Not to mention all that muscle will help me look better and burn more fat in the process.  The numbers *may* not drop as quickly but the progress will be there.

I now eat between 1800-1900 calories per day on average.  What I have noticed, is that my energy is higher and way more consistent than when I was eating 1300-1500cals a day.  I used to have an almost yo-yo effect where one week I felt great and kept my calories around 1300-1400, and then the next week I would crash, miss workouts, and often those were the times where I would lose control of my eating.

There is so much conflicting information out there about what is the 'right' diet.  "Don't eat sweets, fruit is better", "Fruit is too high in sugar and carbs, eat vegetables",  "Meat is bad for you", "carbs are bad for you", "fat is bad for you". I started trying to eat as clean as possible.  That lasted a whole DAY.  Every time I ate something that wasn't a vegetable I felt like a failure.  These days, I just try to make more good choices than bad, and if I'm under my cal goal, then I'm happy.  I eat more fruits and vegetables now, but not because I am "supposed to". Now I do it simple because I enjoy them, I know they nourish my body, some of them actually taste pretty good, and they are usually lower calorie and help keep me feeling full longer.  I try not to think of many foods as 'bad'.  I try to think of foods on a scale, one side being foods I should eat more of, and the other being foods I should eat less of.  Just last week, I had pizza and cheesecake one night, and margaritas and sliders another, but I also had a lot of healthier meals to balance it all out.

While there are definitely parts of this journey that are hard and and painful, I DO enjoy it.  I look forward to my runs (mostly because I still remember a time where I couldn't run at all), I look forward to lifting with Chalene, and even the pain I experience after said lifting.  It STARTS as a struggle every day, but eventually I struggle less and succeed more.  I guess I would still say "It's not easy", I mean just this morning I almost chose not to workout.  I ended up getting up 30 minutes later and then getting it done, I just cut it close.

At the beginning of this journey I was very "balls to the wall".  I was an extremist.  After watching John in Biggest Loser 12, I started to recognize this and realized that if I wanted to be successful over the long-term I was going to need to REALLY work on moderation and long-term living.  THERE IS NO END to this journey so what I do to live a healthier life has to be things that I feel that I can maintain for a very long time.

With all that being said, this is where I am at NOW.  This journey is a process, and I expect that there are parts of it that will change and evolve even more.  Hell, maybe I will become a "clean eater" one day.  I'm just not there right now, and thats ok with me :)

Long Term goals = SCARY

Last night I was doing a mirror evaluation of myself. Trying to see differences in my body. I see some. In the side-by-side pics I can see it, but the mirror is an ass! Ok maybe my head is an ass. Here I am, down 71 pounds (51 from Sept.) and I can't really see a huge difference.

Then I got thinking,  I started my last weight-loss journey at 240 pounds. Only 4 pounds difference from where I sit now. It took me 2 years back then to lose the weight. I didn't have MyFitnessPal or running apps, or really much of anything. My commitment wavered, I went in bursts. 20lbs in 3 months, then 4 months of nothing, 40lbs in 6 months just from running, and the last 30 came off over the next year by half-heartedly balancing my meals and walking EVERYWHERE!

Now at first I felt discouraged, like "here I am starting all over again". I have so far to go.

Then I realized, I have never been so committed, so driven, and so consistent with my efforts for this long straight EVER. I just passed the 5 month mark, and have lost 50lbs. I'm no where NEAR quitting, in fact, I'm pretty dam sure I'm going to finish this thing.

Thinking about the long-term goal can be good, but it can also be scary.  Its a good thing I have all my short-term goals to keep me focussed because losing another 60-90lbs seems like a LOT.

My next short-term goal is to complete ChaLEAN Extreme, and continue my running program.  After that is ONEDERLAND, and after that, my half-marathon!  Hopefully when I'm done with my half-marathon training I can start Turbo Fire because I have been waiting for what seems like EVER to try it!

Image Source

So, after I was finished with this thinking last night I decided to get to sleep early so I could have lots of energy today.  Do you know what happens whenever I make a concious decision to go to bed early? Shit hits the fan  My kids always end up having a rough night sleeping, thus requiring myself NOT to sleep. Last night my baby girl had a tummy ache. I could tell because every 15min or so she woke up and bounced, then cried and tried to get comfy.  As much as I am tired, there was a part of me (a sick apparently non-sleep-cherishing part of me) who enjoyed every moment of comforting her.  The last time she slept in my bed was well over 6 months ago.  

All this means that today I am tired, I'm still going to work out, but I am tired.  Although my husband did bring me a coffee and a donut, so hopefully the caffeine will help carry me through the day and I can get some good shut-eye happening tonight!

Life without the scale.

Not as hard as I thought it would be.  (Mind you its only been a week and a half)

When I committed to this journey, one of the things I knew very early on, was that I wanted to get to the bottom of all the psychological things that contributed to me gaining this weight.  I have already lost and gained 90lbs PLUS, so if I give all that effort again, I want to be prepared at the end of my journey to live a healthier life. I want to have all the tools I need to keep me from gaining it all back again!

For the first 5 months of this journey I have been pretty buried in counting all my calories, and exercising like a mad woman.  I feel like I am entering a different stage right now.  One thing I feel like I am doing better than I did last time, is planning ahead.

I had a bit of an "Ah Ha" moment yesterday.  I realized that the last time I lost weight, I was single, free from emotional baggage (or at least that baggage was carry-on sized), and I was only responsible for me. One stupid fucked-up just plain bad relationship later and there had been a lot of damage done, and  baggage created (definitely check-in sized).

The Past

I was able to keep my weight under control for the first few years after that because I was (for the most part) single and able to focus on myself. Then comes Jeff.  I knew within 3 months of dating that I had met the man I was going to marry.  We got married 1 year and 9 months after we met. We loved each other, but my baggage was not gone. I had trust issues.  Trust issues that I pretty much ate my way through.

Dealing with it has been tough, and only in the last year can I say I think I finally have taken care of it. I'm finally in a place where I can let go of the things (or at least most of them) that hurt me in the past and give my husband the amount of trust he deserves.

I realized that by working on these things, and being able to be comfortable, secure and happy in my relationship (and with myself in general), I now am able to have the strength and motivation to really work on myself again.  Its like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about it any more.

Preparing for the future

Putting the scale away is like practice for the future.  Its like the first time your parents leave you home alone in the house.  A test.  I know I don't have to weigh in this week, but I am still logging my foods and getting all my exercise in.

I'm doing this not just because I want to lose the pounds, but because I want to be more fit, I want to gain muscle, I want to eat healthy, and I want to live longer.  Sure it will be validating when the number goes down, but the number doesn't make me run faster, or put cuter clothes on me, or even accurately reflect what size I am.  In high-school I had two friends of the same hight, who wore the same size, one was 110lbs and one was 145lbs.

I still would LOVE to be in Onederland for my birthday in June please please please please please, but after that I really want to be in a healthy head space where I'm just working on getting strong, fit and into cute clothes.  I want to be able to say that while I know my number, I am not defined by it.

P.S.  This is one of my most proud accomplishments because I really feel like I am doing all this in a healthy well-rounded way, and that I am putting in the prep-work to maintain my success... and now I hope I don't have to ever eat those words one day!

Aftermath of a good weigh-in

After yesterday's weigh-in (-4lbs) and splurge day, I have been fighting the feeling to give in and treat myself.

WHY does that happen?  

Does my brain not realize I still have oh, I dunno, NINETY SEVEN pounds to go?

See what did I just do? I just ordered a cookie to go WITH my subway, even though I am writing about this RIGHT NOW.  I guess technically its not too bad because it won't put me over my calories, but I did have a healthier snack planned, and now it's been replaced with a cookie.

My brain wants me to self-sabotage. but why?  What am I afraid of.

Losing weight has a lot of benefits:

• Um I look like a hotter version of myself, hello! That's almost enough reason on its own!
• Its way easier to move around.
• My neck fat won't try to suffocate me any more
• I'll get to wear cuter (normal sized) clothes
• My confidence will improve, which means some of my walls might come down
• So my life has a good chance of being a lot longer, meaning I can watch my kids grow longer
• I'll lower my chance of developing Type 2 diabetes (My husband is type 1, and I know that's not fun and I don't love pricking myself. 
• I'll decrease my risk of dying of heart attack or stroke
• I'll be more active in my children's lives
• I'll be setting a positive example for my kids

So again... why would I want to sabotage that?

**And why the heck do I feel worse about subbing a cookie for 100 extra cals, than I did after yesterday's gorge-fest?**

I guess the positive out of this is that I recognize it, and I'm not really doing any big damage, but I do think I need to figure out the answer to this question.  Figure out why some part of me wants to fight my progress.

Part of it is that I hadn't planned on having the cookie, and I do know that when things don't go exactly how I plan, sometimes I feel like a failure, you know unless I do better than my plan, in which case I feel like freaking super woman!

Anyhow, I guess I can ponder that while I run tonight. Running always gives me great insight, inspiration and ideas!

Lululemon Memories! (I found it!!!)

There it is!  My Lululemon hoodie!  I haven't worn it in probably about 5 years.

Actually my Mother-In-Law found it for me when she was cleaning :)   It has been found none-the-less.

Even when I bought it, it was a little snug.  But, I loved it because it was my Lululemon hoodie!  I wore it as often as I could.  The color (which in real life has a little bit more green to it) was beautiful, the fabric is thick, the sleeves are long... ahhh. I love this sweat-shirt!

Seeing this shirt has brought back some memories of when I used to wear it.  I remember feeling fat back then (I was a size 12/14 190-200lbs).  While I was larger than I had been at my lightest, I wasn't obese... yet.  I remember walking to and from work, it probably lasted all of two weeks as work was about an hours walk with a giant hill.  

I sit here now, and laugh at that girl that wore my lululemon hoodie (me).  I thought I was giant and that 40lbs or even just 20lbs was too much to conquer.  I would exercise, but then eat more and get disappointed when I didn't lose weight.  I would fall off the wagon and consume lots of high fat, high sugar foods to make myself "feel better".  I would consume a good portion of alcohol to do the same.  I had lost weight (90lbs) once, but for some reason, I hadn't learned, or adapted well to my new/old non-city life. At this point I had gained about 40lbs back.  At the time, I kept looking on how much I failed, not how much I was still ahead.  I kept trying and crashing and giving in to my entitlement issues.  

My husband is a rail (Sorry hunny if you ready this but you're borderline stick-person).  When I met him I went from watching what I ate and running 3x a week, to spending all my time hanging out with him and going out to restaurants.  I was so insecure, I didn't want to take the time to take care of myself because I was a stage 5 clinger.  A previous relationship had ended REALLY REALLY bad, and left me in a state where I had little to no trust in men any more.  (Thanks to my husband who stuck with me and my sack of issues all this time, see I told you I'd get better!)

I am happy to say I have worked REALLY hard on all those issues and don't have a problem taking a little time for myself, or letting allowing not having an issue when my husband wants to get out without me.  

Anyhow, bottom line is I found my hoodie, and I WILL fit it again!!  I'll just be a better me than the lady who wore it last time ;)

Lazy or Moderation?

Well, this week I am REALLY struggling.  Not too much food-wise, but more so with energy and exercise.

I had committed to doing the 30 Day Shred... Every day for 30 days.  Yeah, that's not happening.

I have now decided I will take rest days and do it 5 days per week in addition to 3 hours of cardio. I was going to do it Mon-Fri.  Now I have revised it even further and I'm going to take Wednesday off, and do the 5th day on Saturday to get my 5 days in.  This may be related to the fact that I have ended up sleeping in the last two days and have found in hard to come up with the energy in the evening to go out and do it.

I'm having a hard time dealing with that because when I make a promise to myself, and especially when I have all of you watching, I'm not sure whether I am giving myself excuses, or practising moderation.  I have a problem with taking things to the extreme and I'm trying to find the balance.  Last week I feel that I over-did it a little bit. I was extremely tired by the weekend.  So this week I decided to slow it down and hopefully get my energy back up.

I guess these are some of the struggles that come with a weight-loss journey.

I plan on getting up early and doing my workout tomorrow morning to get it out of the way and see if I feel better about things. I just want to wrap my head around it a little, seeing as I am confused about if I should see this (not working out today) as a failure, or a good move in moderation.

If only I had a personal trainer and nutritionist to tell me what the right thing to do is... would make all this wondering a whole lot better!

I don't have that, so I have to play the guessing game!  Hope I'm making the right guesses.

On the positive side, one thing I do know is that I am no where near giving up.  I may slow it down, I may screw up here and there but I am still moving in the right direction, even if I don't feel like a super-hero every day!  Sometimes I just need to power-down a little and re-group to have strength to move forward!

You is kind, You is Smart, You is Important

I have always battled with confidence.  You know, that thing people have, where they actually believe in themselves?   Apparently it's really empowering.

I watched a movie last night called "The Help".  Its about a woman who writes a novel about African Americans who worked in white people houses.  These women basically open up and tell all these crazy stories about what they encountered in their work that they would NEVER normally tell because they were afraid of what the repercussions would be for them and their families.

Now the part of that movie that stuck with ME last night, was one lady who was a house-maid/nanny.  She would look at the little girl every day and say "You is kind, you is smart, you is important".  She gets the little girl to repeat after her everyday. She makes this little girl feel great about herself.

Later on when my Husband got home, we had a talk.  I think one of the most important things I want to give to my children is confidence.  We started talking about our younger years.  I was a pretty good discus and shot-put thrower back in my day, but I didn't really work for it too much. I relied on my natural ability, and I was pretty good. When I think about how hard I am working NOW, and how little I did THEN, it seems CRAZY!.  How good could I have been, if I had only put my everything into it?  An everything I didn't even know existed in me?   Jeff was saying basically the same thing, except he played baseball.  He relied on the ability he had, but didn't work as hard as he could have to get to his potential.

We both believed that at least part of that was confidence.  Even if we put everything into it, it wouldn't make a difference so why bother? I was also too busy feeling like the fat girl, and trying to make myself feel better that I didn't really have the drive to make myself physically better in an athletic nature.  Um, HELLO, boys don't like me. All my pretty friends will hang out with me more if I do things for them.  They are "cool". I spent a lot of time wishing I could live in this alternate universe where I was pretty, boys liked me, and I was COOL.

Ok, ok I know that's part of how teenagers think... but seriously, I wasted a LOT of time on nothing productive.

I've come a long way from then.  I actually AM pretty darn cool. I can be funny, I can be a good friend (without compromising myself, ok maybe I hold back a little now because I felt so taken advantage of in the past but that's another blog post), I'm pretty well-rounded, I'm open minded, I've met many different kinds of people, and I like to have FUN.

Bottom line, is I want to keep working on it to set an example for my kids, and I think I'm on the right path!

When my son got up this morning, I told him.  "You are kind, you are strong, you are important" probably 10 times.  I even told my daughter, but she wanted her bottle instead ;)


Here he is showing me how strong he is :)

Aha moment!

Well, the last two weeks have been a challenge.

You know the feeling when you first start seeing results and its amazing, and then all of a sudden losing weight is all you can think about? You stay focussed as long as you keep seeing those results.  Then something happens and you have a rough week, your results slow (or sometimes you gain) and you feel like a bit of a failure.  THIS is the point where I usually start really struggling, I start days with good intentions but end up falling into old habits.   Its like I think "well I already messed up, might as well have one more day of ____. I'll start again tomorrow".

Going into this, I knew that was going to be my biggest obstacle.  This road has been a LONG one for me.  I've been battling my weight me ENTIRE teenage and adult life!  I was successful once. I lost 90lbs back in 2001-2003 and I kept the majority off for 2-3 years before I slowly (or maybe not so slowly) started packing it all back on PLUS about 67lbs *cough*.  I know what its like to win... but I know what its like to let it all slip away.

Last time I lost, I was focussed on and off, I'd go a couple months doing one thing and then stop.  I really lost in 3 separate phases. The first 20 was at the gym, I stalled for about 6 months and then started running.  I lost another 40 in about 6 months time then stalled again for 3-4 months... Then I ended up doing a LOT of walking due to life circumstances living in a big city and taking transit and walking to and from anywhere I had to go.  I ended up losing the last 30 over about 8-9 months.  So it wasn't really one focussed attempt, more like a whole  bunch of cards fell into place for me (weight-wise).

I went through a pretty traumatic experience in 2003.  It changed my entire life. In early 2004 I made the tough decision to leave my less than healthy (mentally/emotionally) life in the big city and moved back to my smaller home town.  That's when the battle to keep it off began.  For two years I really fought to keep my weight-loss.  I was running, and semi watching what I ate.  I attended a summer camp with all meals provided for two years and gained about 20lbs each summer, but I took it off each fall and maintained the rest of the year.

Then in 2006 I met my husband, got comfortable and proceeded to pack.it.on.   He was really sweet, but wanted to make me happy a little too much maybe? Any time I would even say "Oh I really want a __(Insert totally indulgent food here)" he would run out without a second thought and get it for me.  Most of the time when I would suggest treats I was half-joking, hoping he would be my willpower for me.  So its no shocker that over the next 5-6 years I gained it ALL back (plus the even more embarrassing 67lbs).

Its not that I haven't tried in that time, I tried often, but... I gave up often.  I've learned that I have an entitlement issue where if I see him having something "treat-like" I feel like I need to have something too.  I have also learned that I have used food as a way to "get back at" my husband or anyone/thing for doing things that basically pissed me off.  "Oh you want to go out and play poker instead of hanging out with me? FINE I'm gonna have a pizza!!".   Right... so who was I "getting back at"... well I'll give you a hint... she's typing this post right now.

I ended up paying all those prices, for all those times I needed support, for all those times I felt lonely, for all those times I felt deprived, I got a whole bunch of fat.  On top of that I started to get treated "different" again.  I was the fat girl again.  Talk about self destructive.  I stopped smiling as much.  I felt like if I put myself out there I would get responded to with "Yuck, why would I want to talk to you".  I got really guarded and defensive.

Something happened this year. I'm not sure if the fact that I have two kids kicked in, or what, but all of a sudden I started putting myself first.  I tried one diet and failed. Then I tried becoming exceptional at baking/cooking (talk about counter productive).  Finally in September I think I got it right... well right-ish. I started MFP!

Which brings me to the intent of this post.  (By the way I love being a woman because I am SO talented at digressing).  These last two weeks.  I had a spike week, followed by a really hard week without a lot of progress.  I was feeling down and REALLY scared that I was going to fall off the wagon.  Funny thing though about that wagon.  When you fall off it, it stops and wait for you to get back on.

I'm done making excuses, I'm done lying to myself.  Instead of finding an excuse, I am finding a WAY damnit.  So here I am, back on track and planning for the New Year.  I may have an off-day, and off-meal, and off-week... whatever.  I will pick myself back up and get back on that wagon EVERY damn time from now on.  I deserve it, my family deserves it, and so do my friends.  If you're reading this and don't know me personally, even YOU deserve it.  Why? Because its hope.