ONE YEAR!!

Today marks the day where I have been actively trying to live a healthier life for one entire year!!

1 year ago, I couldn't walk far without panting.  I couldn't run for longer than 30 seconds.  I couldn't wear the necklaces that my husband had given to me for birthdays and anniversaries.  I listened to my excuses more often than not.  I ate whatever would make me happy that day.  I wore size 24 jeans and 3-4x shirts.  I hid from photos. I was afraid to do anything physical in public besides walking.

Since September 13th 2011, I have lost 65lbs, run 14k, climbed a mountain, dealt with injuries, fallen off track, gotten back on track, completed 30 day shred, completed Chalean Extreme, used MFP, used Weight Watchers Online (currently), discovered a new interest in biking, enhanced friendships through exercise, tried Zumba and so much more!

Here I am 1 year ago, and today.

The changes have been gradual, and I would be lying if I said some days I didn't feel like I was still my before picture. 

Many times I find myself feeling disappointed that I didn't make more progress in this last year.  I've watched other people on their journey's lose weight more consistently, people lose weight faster than I.  Some people don't lose motivation half-way through, or have the mental strength to keep level headed and power through their injuries.  Those people are not me.  

My journey is not about anyone else BUT me.  

While I have had months of maintaining and even gaining weight throughout my journey, weight is not the only way I measure my progress.  

The Megan 2.0 Project is about making a better version of myself, not only in my physical health, but in many other aspects including my mental health, being a better mother, better wife, better business owner, better childcare provider, better friend, acting with integrity, being honest and responsible (even when its hard) and making myself a person that I am proud to be.  

My journey is no where NEAR close to the finish, I am still a WORK IN PROGRESS.  I have a feeling that I will always be a work in progress, but the more I work, the happier I am with the person I am right now, and feel comfortable with the fact that I am becoming a better person with each passing day!

The first step is the hardest; My AHA process

Lots of people what to know "What was your turning point".  I would absolutely love to have a simple answer to that question, but like anything else in life it wasn't simple. 

I think some of it started when I was pregnant with Annalisa.  I had this desire to go out and run, but I felt trapped in my own body.  My back ached, my feet ached, I had that horrible stabbing crotch pain that made just walking around painful.  I remember feeling like I was having trouble breathing when I would lay down at night because when my chin was pressed towards my neck it made it hard to get air in.  I was 300lbs and just plain embarrassed of myself.  

After she was born I had a mini-epiphany.  I had this realization that life is not permanent, and BOY was that scary.  I realized that if I wanted to see more life, enjoy my children, give them a better chance at living a fulfilling life, I needed to start setting a better example.  I also started believing that I wasn't going to worry *quite* so much what other people thought of me.  

It started small.   I went out and got my hair done how I wanted to, and not how I thought other people would like it.   I bought a purse I liked, and didn't worry about if other people thought I could "pull it off".  I decided to concentrate and make an effort to act with more integrity.  Basically that means I lie less, to myself and to others.  I used to just agree with people in order to make life easier, or in hopes they would like me but I realized I am really bad a being fake.  

I tried a diet, and failed 3 weeks later.  Then I fell into some old habits, and decided to bake/cook my summer away.  I had been planning to start logging my foods since March, and every few days/weeks I would log a couple days here and there.  I logged mostly bad days (or maybe they were just all bad days).  As I worked on myself (ya know, being all honest and stuff) I was coming up with less and less excuses.  

I think, on September 13th, when Crystal asked me the question "Are you going first or am I", it was a combination of running out of excuses, embarrassment and accountability.  I was just done.  Done with lying to myself, and done with disappointing others in the process.  Also, I didn't want to look like a flake to Crystal any more, although she's been around long enough I'm sure she can draw her own conclusions on that one!

Also, I just went back and checked my diary on MFP and the first few weeks were not pretty.  It took me a while to get the hang of it.  The first two weeks I ended up eating on average almost 2000 calories per day! Even after that period I was doing lots of things I should be, over on my calories, and eating a lot of nutrition-less foods.   

People might look at my journey, or the journey of other successful weight losers and get discouraged thinking we did everything perfectly from the start.  I am here do say, that for me at least, I DIDN'T!  It took my a long time to get the hang of it and I am STILL improving, the biggest part of my success is that I REFUSE to give up.  I take my bad days and get over them.  I have tired days (like today I am exhausted and wanting to binge eat like... hmmm, well like I used to), I just do the best that I can, and try more often then I give up.  

Things change, and lessons I've learned

**Disclaimer** This is my place to write out what I am going through, I am writing it here to put it out in the open, but I am by no means saying that this is about you or your journey, or even that it will work for you, it is strictly about ME and MY JOURNEY.

When I first started this journey I had my idea of how it was supposed to go. No matter how much reading, or talking I did, no one could talk me out of it, because I justified it ALL.

• Move as much as possible, cardio, cardio, cardio, BURN those calories
• Cardio now, Strength later (like when I'm done or close to goal)
• The closer to 1200 calories, the better
• No "bad" foods, because you have to eat clean to lose weight, and those are what got you fat in the first place
• Losing weight is hard and painful and you won't enjoy it
• Lose the weight as fast as possible

The result, I lost weight.  BUT I felt like a failure every time I didn't burn enough calories, have the energy to workout, ate something "bad",  or lost less than 2lbs.  I felt like when I enjoyed my exercise I must not have given it my all.

Basically I was torturing and punishing myself for allowing my body to get into the state it was in.

For me, things have changed. It's been gradual, one thing evolving at a time. First, I LOVE my cardio, and will get it in when I can but I don't beat myself up if I 'only' burn 250 calories in a day.

I am finding that I absolutely love strength training.  I'm finding muscles popping out all over the place, and my body feels different.  It really sunk in for me after months of trying to deny it, that the rest of my journey will be easier, and more well-rounded if I strength train now. Not to mention all that muscle will help me look better and burn more fat in the process.  The numbers *may* not drop as quickly but the progress will be there.

I now eat between 1800-1900 calories per day on average.  What I have noticed, is that my energy is higher and way more consistent than when I was eating 1300-1500cals a day.  I used to have an almost yo-yo effect where one week I felt great and kept my calories around 1300-1400, and then the next week I would crash, miss workouts, and often those were the times where I would lose control of my eating.

There is so much conflicting information out there about what is the 'right' diet.  "Don't eat sweets, fruit is better", "Fruit is too high in sugar and carbs, eat vegetables",  "Meat is bad for you", "carbs are bad for you", "fat is bad for you". I started trying to eat as clean as possible.  That lasted a whole DAY.  Every time I ate something that wasn't a vegetable I felt like a failure.  These days, I just try to make more good choices than bad, and if I'm under my cal goal, then I'm happy.  I eat more fruits and vegetables now, but not because I am "supposed to". Now I do it simple because I enjoy them, I know they nourish my body, some of them actually taste pretty good, and they are usually lower calorie and help keep me feeling full longer.  I try not to think of many foods as 'bad'.  I try to think of foods on a scale, one side being foods I should eat more of, and the other being foods I should eat less of.  Just last week, I had pizza and cheesecake one night, and margaritas and sliders another, but I also had a lot of healthier meals to balance it all out.

While there are definitely parts of this journey that are hard and and painful, I DO enjoy it.  I look forward to my runs (mostly because I still remember a time where I couldn't run at all), I look forward to lifting with Chalene, and even the pain I experience after said lifting.  It STARTS as a struggle every day, but eventually I struggle less and succeed more.  I guess I would still say "It's not easy", I mean just this morning I almost chose not to workout.  I ended up getting up 30 minutes later and then getting it done, I just cut it close.

At the beginning of this journey I was very "balls to the wall".  I was an extremist.  After watching John in Biggest Loser 12, I started to recognize this and realized that if I wanted to be successful over the long-term I was going to need to REALLY work on moderation and long-term living.  THERE IS NO END to this journey so what I do to live a healthier life has to be things that I feel that I can maintain for a very long time.

With all that being said, this is where I am at NOW.  This journey is a process, and I expect that there are parts of it that will change and evolve even more.  Hell, maybe I will become a "clean eater" one day.  I'm just not there right now, and thats ok with me :)

Progress Pictures and a Small Gain

So I weighed myself today, only for accuracy with my progress photos, I'm up one pound from Sunday.

I share this because I am not worried about it! I have sore muscles and I'm still dealing with TOM. Also I have been on the right track with my food and exercise so, Mr. Scale can tell me I'm up all he wants today, we'll see who's boss at the next weigh in.

Speaking of which, I'm debating on whether that should be weekly still, or if I should give a monthly weigh in a try.

So, as promised here are a few progress pics.

This one below is Jan 1st to Feb 1st

This one is from the start of my journey in September, where I was already down 23lbs from my heaviest.