Everyday I'm Gym'n it!

Ok, not really everyday, but every weekday I am home, I plan to gym it.  I know its only day two but spending an hour each morning to myself, possibly getting my Netflix affair back ON feels like a win/win to me!

This morning I was a little tired when I got up, but still just as excited.  I even made it there 5 whole minutes earlier than yesterday.  I thought about joining the spin class, but it still seems pretty intimidating.  I feel weird because I don't know the typical group class etiquette.  Like what if I unknowingly take someone's favorite spot and then they turn into an angry honey-badger and curse me out in their heads the whole class. Am I supposed to just grab whichever bike I want? Do I introduce myself to the teacher as a newbie, or is that tacky and overboard? Achem, because cool people like me worry about that stuff.

On a more positive note I did try something new today: The Row Machine.  I had stared at this one before. I *may* have rolled my eyes at it and thought "Who would want to row at the gym? That seems like a cop-out workout."  (Yes, I too can be judgemental, but I am SO MUCH BETTER about it than I used to be).  Since I am still (WTF) injured, and needing low-impact cardio, and the step machine didn't help the situation I decided it was time.  Time to try the row machine.  I really only felt awkward for the first 5 minutes.  The last 5 minutes were good until my arms and back were spent.

Verdict on the gym so far... I LOVE IT!

On the nutrition side of things is a whole new story.

*WARNING*  -- Lack of perfection ahead

So I'm pretty much in full blown "I feel like a failure mode".  In the last 8 weeks... (taking a breath, holy shit its been 8 weeks) since my hip injury, I have had two good weeks, two botched comebacks, lots of bad days and some good days.  I tracked EVERYTHING up until a week ago.  I feel like in the last two months tracking has not been helping me, its been hurting me.  All these guilty feelings and stress have been causing me to spiral a little bit out of  way out of control.  On May 31st I was 217.6 so I had only gained 2.8lbs from my lowest in April so even though I have spiralled, its not AS bad as it could have been.  I'm probably sitting around 221/222 right now with water retention and increased food intake.

My current plan is:

1. focus on getting my GYM on  
2. relax a little bit
3. work on the root problems to why I gained weight in the first place

I feel like number 3 is the most important going forward because I felt the change in my confidence and mojo as soon as I hit the 220's.   Like a ton of bricks hitting me, something inside just said STOP.  I need to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward and so when I get to my goal I can stay there.

So there you have it, the good, bad, funny, and the painfully awkward.

Then vs. now

This is where I started from.  I remember when I was pregnant (Top left and bottom right at about 2-3mos) I could barely WALK around the block without getting winded.  My feet hurt just from standing, my neck-fat made it harder to breathe when I was going to sleep, I was topping out in size 24 clothing.  I pretty much resigned to the thought that I would be fat forever.  

Below is where I am now.  I'm roughly half-way to my goal weight-wise, but I believe I am in the best shape of my life.  I'm currently a size 16/18 and 220lbs.  I can run 13k non-stop, and I am lifting heavier that I ever have before (except for possibly squat-wise when I was training for track and field).

These next pics are a few of me at my lightest.  Top left was me around 160ish, and the other 3 are me at 149lbs. I was a size 6-8 and sometimes 10.  I had done some running to get to that point but for the most part I walked and ate less, period.  I was skinny, but I was also skinny-fat.  I still felt at 149 like I had another 10-15lbs to go but I hadn't been running for a while, and never lifted any weights.  

I used to think I wanted get back here.  Now I realize I want to get to somewhere else.  I want to be fit!  I want to be toned, strong and sexy. I want to achieve fitness goals and have energy! My motivation is entirely different too.  Back then I was young, single and had never been skinny.  I wanted attention, and revenge.  Not any more. I don't have anything to prove, and I'm not doing it for anyone else but ME.  I'm at a place where I am feeling more and more comfortable with who I am, and not really caring so much about what I think others might think.  

I am finally at a place where I can just put myself out there and be ok with the fact that not everyone will like me, but those that DO, will like me for exactly who I am. 

I am so excited for my future beyond my 30th birthday (That is what I have been concentrating on this last 6 months).  I'm going to be fit, fun and full of life!  I won't be the person I was at the beginning of my 20's, I'll be better!

Losing my spark

Ever have those times where you look through old stuff and try to re-evaluate life?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 shortly, who knows, but I just did that. I was looking through old keepsakes and remembering things a have pushed away for one reason or another. I remember that I used to have a brighter spark. I impacted people and they cared for me. I remember having more charisma.

My first job was at a department store and I absolutely loved it. I made some great friendships there, some of which I still hold on to until this day. People there saw something in me, potential. Some had even wanted me to take on larger roles leading to management! It gave me a sense of confidence. I found something I was good at, and other people recognized it!

Then I left and got a wonderful job in an office. The same thing happened and people there recognized something special in me. When I went through some rough times I had people demanding I get paid time off, paid time off that they were willing to give up their very own paychecks for. Later on they fought for me to get a raise because they thought I was worth more than I was receiving.  Toot toot! People don't do that kind of stuff if you're a weeny.

I read my goodbye card from this particular job last night. It really touched me that all these people cared for me so much. Facebook wasn't around back then, so I have lost touch with all but one of them, but it was probably my favorite job. I can't think of any reason why I would ever have voluntarily left or been let-go of there. The reason I did leave was a bad relationship, that required moving far away from, to be safe.

I moved home, and still maintained my spark although it was slightly less bright. I worked at a summer camp for 2 summers and another branch of the same department store, made more wonderful friends. I felt pretty good.

Then came my first job in childcare. LOVED it. I had found my calling. I felt like a rock-star, and my co-workers were awesome. After one year, the owners decided to split and I was one of two staff kept to work at a smaller daycare run by someone else. This person did not like me at all  didn't see the same things in me, and ended up firing me. When I look back, THIS is the moment where I lost my spark. I was never quite the same after.(After all I had been through and all the positive people who believed in me and loved me, this one person who thought so negatively of me, made me question everything about who I was) I was still a good worker, still friendly, still loved kids, but just not quite as charismatic and confident as I once was.

I ended up going to get my ECE after. I was ok. I was smart and did great in my courses, but I developed more of a backbone and didn't really know how to use it well. The next two jobs after school didn't have quite the same zest and when I was pregnant with my son I decided to open my own center.

Since then I have been good, but still missing that brighter spark I once had.  I work with one other person, or on my own most times.  I think I miss all the positive re-enforcement.  I can bust my butt and do all the right things, but many of them go un-noticed by anyone else. Even when they do,  I don't always have the confidence to believe other people when they recognize it. Maybe I could pay Crystal to tell me what a GREAT job I'm doing all the time!

Some people think you shouldn't validate yourself through the actions of others, but I think its human nature. The more positive re-enforcement I get to show me I am doing good things, the more confidence I have, and eventually the less re-enforcement I will need.

The happy part: Through The Megan 2.0 Project I feel like I might be getting some of that spark back again.  People are writing and telling me that I am inspiring them to do positive things!  Friends and family are proud of my accomplishments, and I feel good about the direction I am going.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same vibrant girl I was in my early 20's, but I can be the best, most improved version of myself in my 30's, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

Life without the scale.

Not as hard as I thought it would be.  (Mind you its only been a week and a half)

When I committed to this journey, one of the things I knew very early on, was that I wanted to get to the bottom of all the psychological things that contributed to me gaining this weight.  I have already lost and gained 90lbs PLUS, so if I give all that effort again, I want to be prepared at the end of my journey to live a healthier life. I want to have all the tools I need to keep me from gaining it all back again!

For the first 5 months of this journey I have been pretty buried in counting all my calories, and exercising like a mad woman.  I feel like I am entering a different stage right now.  One thing I feel like I am doing better than I did last time, is planning ahead.

I had a bit of an "Ah Ha" moment yesterday.  I realized that the last time I lost weight, I was single, free from emotional baggage (or at least that baggage was carry-on sized), and I was only responsible for me. One stupid fucked-up just plain bad relationship later and there had been a lot of damage done, and  baggage created (definitely check-in sized).

The Past

I was able to keep my weight under control for the first few years after that because I was (for the most part) single and able to focus on myself. Then comes Jeff.  I knew within 3 months of dating that I had met the man I was going to marry.  We got married 1 year and 9 months after we met. We loved each other, but my baggage was not gone. I had trust issues.  Trust issues that I pretty much ate my way through.

Dealing with it has been tough, and only in the last year can I say I think I finally have taken care of it. I'm finally in a place where I can let go of the things (or at least most of them) that hurt me in the past and give my husband the amount of trust he deserves.

I realized that by working on these things, and being able to be comfortable, secure and happy in my relationship (and with myself in general), I now am able to have the strength and motivation to really work on myself again.  Its like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I don't have to worry about it any more.

Preparing for the future

Putting the scale away is like practice for the future.  Its like the first time your parents leave you home alone in the house.  A test.  I know I don't have to weigh in this week, but I am still logging my foods and getting all my exercise in.

I'm doing this not just because I want to lose the pounds, but because I want to be more fit, I want to gain muscle, I want to eat healthy, and I want to live longer.  Sure it will be validating when the number goes down, but the number doesn't make me run faster, or put cuter clothes on me, or even accurately reflect what size I am.  In high-school I had two friends of the same hight, who wore the same size, one was 110lbs and one was 145lbs.

I still would LOVE to be in Onederland for my birthday in June please please please please please, but after that I really want to be in a healthy head space where I'm just working on getting strong, fit and into cute clothes.  I want to be able to say that while I know my number, I am not defined by it.

P.S.  This is one of my most proud accomplishments because I really feel like I am doing all this in a healthy well-rounded way, and that I am putting in the prep-work to maintain my success... and now I hope I don't have to ever eat those words one day!

5 diets that made me fat

Not so long ago I had a friend ask me "I just don't understand Megan, how did you get SO fat?".

I'm sure people wonder, how I got this way.  Many people met me after my last successful weight-loss journey, when I was on my way back up the scale of doom.

It's pretty simple really.  My diet was not good (ok, that's an understatement, it was freakin horrible).

My diet changed frequently, so here are some of the diets I used to get fat,

Eat Your Feelings Diet

Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?  You deserve a Bacon Bagel and Starbucks BIG coffee for breakfast.
Jealous of someone, that calls for donuts my friend, maybe an ice cap too.
Someone pissed you off at work, better stop by a drive-thru on your way home.
Feeling self-conscious, this one calls for some closet cookie eating... you start out thinking you'll just have a couple, but then the whole darn row is gone and you don't know where the heck it went.
Feeling lonely, order a pizza and his friends pop and dessert to keep you and your gut company.
Disappointed in yourself, well then you should treat yourself with whatever treat food you can find! Buy a damn cake if it'll make you feel better.

This one was used regularly.  Probably a few times a week.   Obviously this is not a healthy diet, but it is a diet none-the-less.

Damn That Looks Good, I Want Some Diet

Stupid food channel and its shows, Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. Cupcake Wars, Cake Boss, Hell's Kitchen, Eat Street, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, all these shows assisted me in this diet.  I would watch the shows and then go out and re-create my own versions of these gluttonous dishes.  Things that also help on this diet are food courts, bakeries, weddings and parties.  Sometimes when too much good stuff is around, you just gotta have it!

This diet was used most recently last summer. I have a baking album on my personal Facebook page that documents a few of these endeavours.





Grab and Go, Watch me Grow diet

Wake up late (or just plain need to go to school/work) stop at the drive-thru.  Packing a lunch take 5 minutes you don't have, take 10 minutes to go get something on your lunch break.  Got TV shows later you want to watch, order pizza or Chinese!  Hey if you get really ambitious, shop in the frozen section and you can enjoy lasagne, chicken strips and fries, pizza, burgers, perogies, AND pretend like you made it! Its win-win... well except on the scale I guess.

I used to be so busy I had no time to cook(or so I thought at the time).  Now I'm even busier, and I just make sure I'm prepared.  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I still LOVE my frozen foods, but I make healthier choices or enjoy them in moderation.

I'll Start of Monday Diet

This is probably the worst diet of all.  Every week you tell yourself you are going to start on Monday, so you  spend the week over-indulging in all your favourite foods because you fear you will never have them again.  "I'm starting Monday so I better eat pizza while I can", "I'm starting Monday so I better have McDonalds while I can", "I'm going to make a big cake, because come Monday, cake is off limits".  You get the idea.

So, guess what happened on Monday?  I'll give you a hint, I went from 149, to 307... You don't gain that in a week!

Inconsistent Instant Gratification diet

In this diet, you have healthy days and "Fuck it" days.  On your healthy days, you do really well eating healthy foods.  Then come the "Fuck it" days where you eat whatever the hell you want, because come on, you had two healthy days and you deserve a reward for your hard work. You may have times when you cycle through all the above diets.  bouncing from one to another, having a healthy day here and there, but getting frustrated because you're not losing weight.

Did a lot of this one too.  A LOT, there were many times where I would wake up in the morning thinking I was going to do well that day, but come dinner-time I would be like "FUCK IT" and have fast food and dessert too!

There is one common theme in the diets above, they are all full of excuses I fed myself so I could avoid feeling guilty for bad decisions.

I wouldn't normally refer to what I do now as a diet, but for the purpose of this post, I would say I am on the "Don't go overboard, eat more good than bad, but less overall, diet".

Lululemon Memories! (I found it!!!)

There it is!  My Lululemon hoodie!  I haven't worn it in probably about 5 years.

Actually my Mother-In-Law found it for me when she was cleaning :)   It has been found none-the-less.

Even when I bought it, it was a little snug.  But, I loved it because it was my Lululemon hoodie!  I wore it as often as I could.  The color (which in real life has a little bit more green to it) was beautiful, the fabric is thick, the sleeves are long... ahhh. I love this sweat-shirt!

Seeing this shirt has brought back some memories of when I used to wear it.  I remember feeling fat back then (I was a size 12/14 190-200lbs).  While I was larger than I had been at my lightest, I wasn't obese... yet.  I remember walking to and from work, it probably lasted all of two weeks as work was about an hours walk with a giant hill.  

I sit here now, and laugh at that girl that wore my lululemon hoodie (me).  I thought I was giant and that 40lbs or even just 20lbs was too much to conquer.  I would exercise, but then eat more and get disappointed when I didn't lose weight.  I would fall off the wagon and consume lots of high fat, high sugar foods to make myself "feel better".  I would consume a good portion of alcohol to do the same.  I had lost weight (90lbs) once, but for some reason, I hadn't learned, or adapted well to my new/old non-city life. At this point I had gained about 40lbs back.  At the time, I kept looking on how much I failed, not how much I was still ahead.  I kept trying and crashing and giving in to my entitlement issues.  

My husband is a rail (Sorry hunny if you ready this but you're borderline stick-person).  When I met him I went from watching what I ate and running 3x a week, to spending all my time hanging out with him and going out to restaurants.  I was so insecure, I didn't want to take the time to take care of myself because I was a stage 5 clinger.  A previous relationship had ended REALLY REALLY bad, and left me in a state where I had little to no trust in men any more.  (Thanks to my husband who stuck with me and my sack of issues all this time, see I told you I'd get better!)

I am happy to say I have worked REALLY hard on all those issues and don't have a problem taking a little time for myself, or letting allowing not having an issue when my husband wants to get out without me.  

Anyhow, bottom line is I found my hoodie, and I WILL fit it again!!  I'll just be a better me than the lady who wore it last time ;)

You is kind, You is Smart, You is Important

I have always battled with confidence.  You know, that thing people have, where they actually believe in themselves?   Apparently it's really empowering.

I watched a movie last night called "The Help".  Its about a woman who writes a novel about African Americans who worked in white people houses.  These women basically open up and tell all these crazy stories about what they encountered in their work that they would NEVER normally tell because they were afraid of what the repercussions would be for them and their families.

Now the part of that movie that stuck with ME last night, was one lady who was a house-maid/nanny.  She would look at the little girl every day and say "You is kind, you is smart, you is important".  She gets the little girl to repeat after her everyday. She makes this little girl feel great about herself.

Later on when my Husband got home, we had a talk.  I think one of the most important things I want to give to my children is confidence.  We started talking about our younger years.  I was a pretty good discus and shot-put thrower back in my day, but I didn't really work for it too much. I relied on my natural ability, and I was pretty good. When I think about how hard I am working NOW, and how little I did THEN, it seems CRAZY!.  How good could I have been, if I had only put my everything into it?  An everything I didn't even know existed in me?   Jeff was saying basically the same thing, except he played baseball.  He relied on the ability he had, but didn't work as hard as he could have to get to his potential.

We both believed that at least part of that was confidence.  Even if we put everything into it, it wouldn't make a difference so why bother? I was also too busy feeling like the fat girl, and trying to make myself feel better that I didn't really have the drive to make myself physically better in an athletic nature.  Um, HELLO, boys don't like me. All my pretty friends will hang out with me more if I do things for them.  They are "cool". I spent a lot of time wishing I could live in this alternate universe where I was pretty, boys liked me, and I was COOL.

Ok, ok I know that's part of how teenagers think... but seriously, I wasted a LOT of time on nothing productive.

I've come a long way from then.  I actually AM pretty darn cool. I can be funny, I can be a good friend (without compromising myself, ok maybe I hold back a little now because I felt so taken advantage of in the past but that's another blog post), I'm pretty well-rounded, I'm open minded, I've met many different kinds of people, and I like to have FUN.

Bottom line, is I want to keep working on it to set an example for my kids, and I think I'm on the right path!

When my son got up this morning, I told him.  "You are kind, you are strong, you are important" probably 10 times.  I even told my daughter, but she wanted her bottle instead ;)


Here he is showing me how strong he is :)

Aha moment!

Well, the last two weeks have been a challenge.

You know the feeling when you first start seeing results and its amazing, and then all of a sudden losing weight is all you can think about? You stay focussed as long as you keep seeing those results.  Then something happens and you have a rough week, your results slow (or sometimes you gain) and you feel like a bit of a failure.  THIS is the point where I usually start really struggling, I start days with good intentions but end up falling into old habits.   Its like I think "well I already messed up, might as well have one more day of ____. I'll start again tomorrow".

Going into this, I knew that was going to be my biggest obstacle.  This road has been a LONG one for me.  I've been battling my weight me ENTIRE teenage and adult life!  I was successful once. I lost 90lbs back in 2001-2003 and I kept the majority off for 2-3 years before I slowly (or maybe not so slowly) started packing it all back on PLUS about 67lbs *cough*.  I know what its like to win... but I know what its like to let it all slip away.

Last time I lost, I was focussed on and off, I'd go a couple months doing one thing and then stop.  I really lost in 3 separate phases. The first 20 was at the gym, I stalled for about 6 months and then started running.  I lost another 40 in about 6 months time then stalled again for 3-4 months... Then I ended up doing a LOT of walking due to life circumstances living in a big city and taking transit and walking to and from anywhere I had to go.  I ended up losing the last 30 over about 8-9 months.  So it wasn't really one focussed attempt, more like a whole  bunch of cards fell into place for me (weight-wise).

I went through a pretty traumatic experience in 2003.  It changed my entire life. In early 2004 I made the tough decision to leave my less than healthy (mentally/emotionally) life in the big city and moved back to my smaller home town.  That's when the battle to keep it off began.  For two years I really fought to keep my weight-loss.  I was running, and semi watching what I ate.  I attended a summer camp with all meals provided for two years and gained about 20lbs each summer, but I took it off each fall and maintained the rest of the year.

Then in 2006 I met my husband, got comfortable and proceeded to pack.it.on.   He was really sweet, but wanted to make me happy a little too much maybe? Any time I would even say "Oh I really want a __(Insert totally indulgent food here)" he would run out without a second thought and get it for me.  Most of the time when I would suggest treats I was half-joking, hoping he would be my willpower for me.  So its no shocker that over the next 5-6 years I gained it ALL back (plus the even more embarrassing 67lbs).

Its not that I haven't tried in that time, I tried often, but... I gave up often.  I've learned that I have an entitlement issue where if I see him having something "treat-like" I feel like I need to have something too.  I have also learned that I have used food as a way to "get back at" my husband or anyone/thing for doing things that basically pissed me off.  "Oh you want to go out and play poker instead of hanging out with me? FINE I'm gonna have a pizza!!".   Right... so who was I "getting back at"... well I'll give you a hint... she's typing this post right now.

I ended up paying all those prices, for all those times I needed support, for all those times I felt lonely, for all those times I felt deprived, I got a whole bunch of fat.  On top of that I started to get treated "different" again.  I was the fat girl again.  Talk about self destructive.  I stopped smiling as much.  I felt like if I put myself out there I would get responded to with "Yuck, why would I want to talk to you".  I got really guarded and defensive.

Something happened this year. I'm not sure if the fact that I have two kids kicked in, or what, but all of a sudden I started putting myself first.  I tried one diet and failed. Then I tried becoming exceptional at baking/cooking (talk about counter productive).  Finally in September I think I got it right... well right-ish. I started MFP!

Which brings me to the intent of this post.  (By the way I love being a woman because I am SO talented at digressing).  These last two weeks.  I had a spike week, followed by a really hard week without a lot of progress.  I was feeling down and REALLY scared that I was going to fall off the wagon.  Funny thing though about that wagon.  When you fall off it, it stops and wait for you to get back on.

I'm done making excuses, I'm done lying to myself.  Instead of finding an excuse, I am finding a WAY damnit.  So here I am, back on track and planning for the New Year.  I may have an off-day, and off-meal, and off-week... whatever.  I will pick myself back up and get back on that wagon EVERY damn time from now on.  I deserve it, my family deserves it, and so do my friends.  If you're reading this and don't know me personally, even YOU deserve it.  Why? Because its hope.

Staying on track... I'm really doing it!

Well, I have managed to stay on track and have now lost 36lbs since September!


When I first started this blog, I thought I was ready. I fell off the wagon pretty hard and while it was a failure. Rather than just start a totally brand new blogI decided to keep my old posts as a reminder of where I have come from and that I can always get back up again!


I have recently started a Facebook page as well, but decided this would be the place to go into a little more depth with my journey.


SO!  Currently I weigh 251lbs.  I have been using MyFitnessPal obsessively.  I am currently of day 97 of logging my food in a row!  I log everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  A huge part of my journey is no excuses and no lying to myself.


My fitness journey started with walking, moved on to couch to 5k and has included a lot of Turbo Jam.  I can now run 5k in 38.5 minute.  I have developed somewhat of an obsession with running. During the day if its sunny I just feel like I have to get out there.


I haven't really lost in a few weeks because I had a "spike" week and then I really struggled this past week!  I am battling Plantar Fasciitis, so I have had to slow down on my running and high impact workouts.  I have been depending on those workouts for my big calorie burns and use them so I can afford to eat a little more some days.

I also had a really hard time this week because my friend and co-worker left for a trip which means that I will be working by myself for a while.   She has meant a lot to me this year.  She is 95% of the social interaction I get as an in-home daycare provider.  Before she came along it was not nearly so fun.  This last year has been awesome and I couldn't have done it without her! She has been there for me even when my husband was not, she kept me and my business going.  When my husband was living in another city and I was pregnant and had my baby girl, she made it so I didn't have to shut down my daycare. She allowed me to spend time recovering and she made sure she helped out as much as possible while Anna was a newborn.  She has shared many of Anna's first moments and is also my son't favourite person (other than Mommy and Daddy of course). 

For the next few weeks I plan on taking it easy and enjoying the holidays (in moderation).  I want to rest my foot so I am ready and able to go hard for January. 

Me in September

Me in December