Thursday, 21 January 2016

New energy??

Coming off 5 whole days on plan. 

I had a staff meeting tonight and eventually caved and ate some
Pizza. 

The struggle was REAL. Planning the dinner I even got veggies and dip and didn't order pizza for myself. 

But there were leftovers, and I had some. 

Good news is that even after a very long day, I came home, cleaned, baked some bust a myth banana cake and portioned it out and froze it. 
Boom! 
It's 10pm and I am just winding down. I definitely feel more energy lately. 

Thank goodness! 

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Mind spinning.

Sometimes my head goes to some deep ass places. 

Today I started thinking about who I am. My personality. I am quite extroverted, and I think overall that's how I was born, but there was a time when you would have never known it. 

From about grade 7 to grade 12 I had very little confidence in myself. I thought everyone hated me (except for a few). I avoided social situations like the plague because I thought they would all turn into a Carrie movie. 

I had a few kids pick on me or call me names, I'm not sure if it was really more or less than anyone else, but I do know I let it affect me 1000x more than it should have.  In hindsight, knowing now what I do about mental health, I believe I was suffering from anxiety. 

Once I graduated and moved to the big city, for some reason I felt free to start being myself.  This is almost funny to me because it's not like I was hiding some secret. I just felt safe in the anonymity of a larger city.

Numerous times over the last 15 years people have been shocked when they learn that was never a cheerleader. Ha ha, I'm not so sure that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I wonder how much different that time could have been if I had just been able to be myself. 

Even though I am much more myself than I was then, I still battle that same self doubt every day. 

Don't get me wrong I give wayyyyy less fucks now, than I did at that time, but there are still one or two here or there. 

How does this relate to The Megan 2.0 Project? Well, for some reason, I stopped believing I could do this for a while. I let excuses and emotions get in my way. 

I can't promise that this is it. I don't speak in definites, but what I can tell you is that I have been growing more and more confident in myself as a human, and I am challenging myself every day I be better. I kept putting off a lifestyle change because I didn't feel like I was ready mentally for it. 

Now I am ready to risk failing again because the only person who really looses out if I didn't is me. 

I am ready to take risks, because without risk, there is no reward. 

I believe I am an extrodinary person with a lot to offer, but I need to be comfortable taking new risks so I can finally find out what I am truly capable of. 

Monday, 11 January 2016

It's really happening

11 days on plan
11 days!! 
It's not a ton, but it's the best I have done since last May, and at this point I feel much more dedicated. 

I always wonder though, what prevented me from succeeding previously? 
Why is it always so hard?  Why do
I consistently end up crashing? 
How come I don't always have the strength to make the choices I know will benefit me in the long run, not just in the moment? 
I wish I had an answer. 
There has not been a single day since j fell off track from Megan 2.0 that I haven't thought about my weight. Not one. Every week I would have good intentions. Every week I would end up tossing fresh veggies (since expired) because I made less healthy choices. 
Many weeks I would start off right for a day or two, a meal here and there, and give in. 
So why does it seems to be sticking this time? 
Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful and proud to come this far, but I am curious what happens, what switch flips when you actually land on the right journey at the right time. 

Friday, 8 January 2016

Pressure!

Pressure. Turns coal into diamonds right?
Yeah, or something like that. 
I have been "on" all week diet/attitude wise. 
Today I am overwhelmed.
By what you may ask? 
Everything. 
I feel like I can't be awesome at any one thing, I have to settle for ok. 
Ok! 
I can't be a stay at home Mom, so I work. I work hard! But I don't put in a bunch of overtime. I get questioned why I am leaving when another person stays late more often. When I do stay late I get told to stop and go home with my kids. 
Then it's pressure to be a "good" mom. It's like I'm expected to make sure that ALL our time is quality time. Activities and heart to heart conversations. Healthy meals from scratch and a clean house. 
Being a single Mom and doing it all pretending like it's not a big deal that I have little to no help with anything. "Who needs a man?"
Oh but then I am supposed to take care of myself. Get up early and exercise, eat healthy meals, find time to just fucking think. And it's not like it's some tiny thing. I am addicted to food. I am an addict. 
Someone put raisin tart bars in the fridge at daycare and I lost it. Intentions were good but before I got rid of them I was at such a low point, I caved for the first time in 6 days and had one. 
I wish I could just not look at the bad stuff but it's impossible. It's everywhere. Meetings, daycare fridge, my FB newsfeed, 7 different places on the drive home. It's like you have two heads when you turn down treats. Especially when you are overweight like "who are you trying to kid?" 
Then there is the fact that my house is usually somewhat messy to tornado 95% of the time. The only time it's clean is when the kids are not around at all. The majority of family meals center around convenience. So basically I feel like a failure. 
Most days by 7pm I am totally exhausted and while I should be up until 10 getting all the chores done, I don't. Fuck that. As if I need to push myself to the brink of a panic attack.to please someone else's idea of what my house should look like. 

My social life.... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, that would insinuate that I actually had one. But Facebook counts right? 


Fragile State

The beginning of this journey is always the absolute worst

There are some great things, like newfound motivation, initial water weightloss, excitement for the future. 
What makes it the worst is the other side the self doubt, being overwhelmed about the long long road ahead, embarrassment from not maintaining my previous successful weightloss. I have to keep going. 
Last journey I lost 40lbs in 105 days. My competitive side wants to beat that, but I am also scared to be competative with myself. So here I am. Anxious, intimidated but dedicated to perseverance. 
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