Sunday, 17 January 2016

Mind spinning.

Sometimes my head goes to some deep ass places. 

Today I started thinking about who I am. My personality. I am quite extroverted, and I think overall that's how I was born, but there was a time when you would have never known it. 

From about grade 7 to grade 12 I had very little confidence in myself. I thought everyone hated me (except for a few). I avoided social situations like the plague because I thought they would all turn into a Carrie movie. 

I had a few kids pick on me or call me names, I'm not sure if it was really more or less than anyone else, but I do know I let it affect me 1000x more than it should have.  In hindsight, knowing now what I do about mental health, I believe I was suffering from anxiety. 

Once I graduated and moved to the big city, for some reason I felt free to start being myself.  This is almost funny to me because it's not like I was hiding some secret. I just felt safe in the anonymity of a larger city.

Numerous times over the last 15 years people have been shocked when they learn that was never a cheerleader. Ha ha, I'm not so sure that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I wonder how much different that time could have been if I had just been able to be myself. 

Even though I am much more myself than I was then, I still battle that same self doubt every day. 

Don't get me wrong I give wayyyyy less fucks now, than I did at that time, but there are still one or two here or there. 

How does this relate to The Megan 2.0 Project? Well, for some reason, I stopped believing I could do this for a while. I let excuses and emotions get in my way. 

I can't promise that this is it. I don't speak in definites, but what I can tell you is that I have been growing more and more confident in myself as a human, and I am challenging myself every day I be better. I kept putting off a lifestyle change because I didn't feel like I was ready mentally for it. 

Now I am ready to risk failing again because the only person who really looses out if I didn't is me. 

I am ready to take risks, because without risk, there is no reward. 

I believe I am an extrodinary person with a lot to offer, but I need to be comfortable taking new risks so I can finally find out what I am truly capable of. 

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