Saturday, 31 December 2011

Celebrating 2011! Ready for 2012!

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in looking forward to my goals and how far away some of them seem.  It gets me down and full of self doubt, wondering if I'll get there.  I forget to REALLY look at what I have accomplished so far.

Tonight I will celebrate every pound lost this year (60 in total), every workout completed, every healthy snack, every time I threw out something I knew would tempt me, every early morning, every sore muscle, every day logging on MyFitnessPal (110 since September), every "Like" on my Facebook page, every hit on my blog, every time I picked myself back up from a rough patch, ALL of it!

I will celebrate a truly great year in my life, the birth of my daughter, the success of my business, new friendships, another year with my Husband (We met New Years Eve 2006).

When I came into 2011, all I could think about was having my baby girl in my arms, I had no idea what else could possibly happen.   I *wished* I could get healthier.  I *wished* for motivation.  Since I was pregnant, I didn't really have any sort or plan in place. You never know how your life will be with a newborn, and really its all about priorities.  She came first.

I'm excited that this year I can really put myself first.  I HAVE a plan, and although I'm still a devoted Mother, and business woman, I am able to balance all that with bettering myself and getting into the best shape of my life :)

Now, BRING ON 2012!

Thursday, 29 December 2011

2011: Year in Review

This past year has been FULL.  I started this year in a different place.

In January I about 30 weeks pregnant.  I was due March 4th 2011.  My Husband decided to take a job in Vancouver (2 hours drive, 2 hours ferry and 1 more hour driving away).  We though it might be a good long-term opportunity for our family so off he went. I was pretty heart-broken, and my son who was not quite 2 yet didn't really understand.

Here he is the morning we left to move Daddy over. He put on his shoes and tried to pull his bag and open the door for him.  This picture made me cry because he was excited for the car ride but didn't understand he wouldn't be seeing his Daddy very often.
In February at 35 weeks pregnant, and my husband away I fell and sprained my ankle.  I could hardly get up to go get my son from his bed.  I was alone and scared.  It made me more angry that my husband was working away from me.

On Feb 28th 2011, I went into labour.  My student midwife didn't believe me but finally agreed to meet me at the hospital.  I was in a LOT of pain and when they checked my I was 8cm.  They broke my water and it was time to push.  This didn't leave enough time for Jeff to get home from Vancouver, so he missed the birth.   He arrived about 5 hours after she was born.

Jeff stayed home that week, and then went back to Vancouver.  During this time I discovered just how strong I could be. I had a newborn baby, an almost 2 year old, and a daycare that I was running from my home.  I was also taking care of paying all the bills (Vancouver and Home and Daycare) I had help during the day with daycare, but everything else was on me.  Guess what?  I did it!! I survived.

When Annalisa was 6 weeks old we started taking turns with Jeff visiting. We would visit Jeff and then two weeks later, he would visit us, and so on.  We had a lot of fun during our adventures. We went to the Zoo, the Aquarium, rode on mini trains, ate at Krispy Kreme, rode on ferries and more!  I was also able to catch up with two of my most favourite friends in the whole world! It reminded me what true friendship is, and that I didn't need to see people every day to know I still cared for them.

In May I got some EDS testing done, and found out that I was sensitive to certain foods.  I started a strict diet eliminating a lot of foods.  I did great and felt great for that month.  I lost about 14lbs.

 In June Jeff lost his job in Vancouver.  We decided that he should move home instead of looking for something else there.  At that time I stopped my diet.  We also began the summer of The Food Channel... I started baking a lot and making dishes worthy of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.  My excuse was that I had been stressed out. I deserved a break. Every occasion was another excuse to bake and consume delicious but totally unhealthy foods. I even started making things into occasions.  Happy Sunday! (Shaking head)

 By September I had gained back all my 14lbs + 5.  In September that's when Crystal said to me "Are you going first, or am I?" That's when it all seemed to 'click'. I started and finished the Couch to 5k app, I started doing Turbo Jam again.  I started logging all my food into MyFitnessPal, every little bite, EVERY damn day!

This is me a few weeks into my change.  I was feeling good and joked that I was channelling the show Big Sexy.

 Here I am about a week ago and down 40lbs:

 Since September I have come this far!
Wow. A lot happens in a year!

In December I decided to 'go public' with my weight-loss journey and self transformation. I started my Facebook page, and shortly after re-started my blog.   Until that point I wasn't ready to show anyone my imperfections.  I didn't want anyone to judge me or see me fail. Most likely I didn't want anyone to know I had admitted there was something wrong with me.

Now I am gearing up to ring in the New Year with my New Years Challenge.  I'm amped up and ready to go!! Can only imagine how far I'll get in 2012!

Wednesday, 28 December 2011


So I've decided instead of a resolution I'm going to make my own little challenge. It's only 1 month long and then I'll make a new challenge after that.

Part 1 Nutrition and Hydration

I have made a month-long meal plan that I WILL follow.  I am going to do the majority of my grocery shopping for the month in one go.  Most of my days are between 1200-1400 calories.  I have noticed that I tend to do better when I plan my day in advance so I'm going to see if this works for me.  Hopefully saving me from impulse decisions.  Its neat in a way because its like a "diet plan" except its all my own meals, meals I like and meals that work for me! (I even have desert every night!)  I have cleaned out my cupboards and will ONLY have foods in the house that are on my plan :)

As part of the nutrition component I am challenging myself to drink at lease 100oz of water per day which equals 12.5 cups.

Part 2 Fitness

I will be doing the 30 Day Shred.  This is an exercise DVD by Jillian Michaels. I have read many success stories from people who used her program so I decided that New Years would be a great time for it.  Its about 20min long so it will be easy for me to get up early enough to get it done before daycare children arrive and I have to get my own kids up.

In addition, I WAS going to run 3x per week, but in light of recent injuries I will plan to do 1 hour of lower impact cardio 3 days per week instead. I'll be using the gym as well as 'modified' Turbo jam for those cardio workouts.  If my knee and arches feel good then I'll slowly get back into running, but I'll play it safe for now.

**If I am feeling hungry or want to have an extra treat that is not within my daily calories, then I will work-out and burn the calories I need before I have it.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The Past Haunts Me.

I sit here typing this on my phone from the car in Nanaimo. 6-7 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from the event in Vancouver that led to me moving home. I went to see someone for help but I was told I wasn't very bad and that the therapist had people with "real" problems to treat.

Ever since I haven't really given it much thought and assumed most of it must have been in my head. I must have been blowing it out of proportion. Fast forward a few years and some funny things are starting to happen. I have a really hard time being a passenger in traffic especially at high speeds. As far as I can tell, when I am driving I do pretty good.

When I'm a passenger, I'm a total for to floor-breaker, I'm constantly checking the side mirror and scanning the sides of the road.

It's getting worse. I have been gasping more often. I tense up and get incredibly scared. I start to panic and think that some incredible tragedy is going to happen to me or my family.

Today it was on a whole new level. We ended up driving to Nanaimo and I took a magazine to keep my mind off the road. As we got closer to Nanaimo and the traffic got more congested, I started to freak out. I gasped a few times (Jeff is getting used to it, he used to get really upset with me). It got so bad I ended up in tears. I couldn't look up and all I knew was I was scared! Eventually I was able to calm myself down, Jeff slowed down and made sure to drive extra carefully so I would feel more secure.

After we were done in Nanaimo we decided to head out. Just as we started driving on the highway someone in the left hand land cut us off so bad that they came very close to hitting us. We had to swerve and lay on the horn, and then they swerved and again continued to cut us off!! Well I didn't handle this very well, I just started to cry and found it hard to breathe!!

It just seems so weird to me because in any other situation I an remain calm. I have been in emergency situations and I totally stay calm and take charge. I just don't get why. When I'm driving I am totally fine, or if I'm on a bus I'm good too. I used to love going on long car rides and trips, but now it just makes me uncomfortable!

Anyways, I thought I would just take a moment to share that. I'm wondering if it may in some weird way be related to my journey, not the weight-loss part but the self improvement part.

Monday, 26 December 2011


Wow.  Did I think I would be here 105 days ago?  NO WAY.  I wished, I hoped, but was so scared I would get discouraged.  I've had my struggles so far, but right now I know that I am on my way!  It's weird but 40 just seems so much more substantial that any other number so far. 40lbs is a LOT! (Side note: I was almost done writing this when I realised that I am also down 60lbs total! Talk about a mind-blower)

*Happy Dance*

I just feel so pumped and ready to go for my January challenge.  

So proud of this accomplishment, especially this week with Christmas. I lost 2.5lbs doing two days at maintenance calories, enjoying Christmas.  Yep, I had rum and eggnog, turkey dinner, pumpkin pie, eggs benedict, two candy cane donuts, buckeyes, a ginger cookie, and roast beef dinner.  They key was, I had it all in MODERATION!! Also I know I won't eat like that every day because the sugar makes me crash, and all that food makes me feel bloated.

On Christmas day I went on a run.  I was so proud of myself that I actually got out there!  I decided to test-drive my new Asics running shoes, and the sun was totally calling my name.  Unfortunately my knee started bothering me about 2km in and at 3.5km I had to stop.  I hyper-extended it the other day when I was improperly getting off the elliptical.  It didn't bother me during my next workout so I assumed it would be ok to go... apparently I was wrong :(

This is me before, during and post Christmas run

So, this week I'm going to take it easy on the knee, and continue to baby my arches.  This week I plan on going for a few walks, doing a few Tae Bo workouts, and a few gym workouts.  I want to lose 2lbs to get to my modified goal of 245lbs by New Years!  It will be great to start January (and my challenge) off so close to the 230s.  Its funny,  what once seemed impossible, now seems within reach!  My biggest goal so far is to be in onederland (under 200) by the time I turn 30 in June.  Once I get there I will re-assess my plan and continue on the last 55lbs :)  

Hard Work - Dedication

Weight-loss: You don't need to be the fastest to win, you just have to keep going!

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Note to my future self.

It's Christmas Eve and the stockings are hung, the kids are in bed and I have a few minutes to reflect.  I have a few things I want to tell myself for if/when I go through challenging times and might think about giving up.

Dear Me:  You can do this.  It's ok to have a few rough days.  Remember where you were when you began this journey?  You didn't always sleep very well because sometimes it was more difficult to breath.  You did a lot of sitting.  You were pushing a 4x in some clothes.  You had a pretty big double chin going on.  Sometimes you ate well over 3000 cals in ONE day.  You didn't wear your hair back as much because it didn't look good to you with your chin.   You got breathless walking around the block at one point.  You thought you had passed the point of no return and wanted to hide.

Guess what?  You are NOT that person any more!  Look how far you have come! You can RUN.  You sleep great!  You're wearing baggy pants.  Your chin is shrinking and you are getting your cheekbones back!! Your collar bones are next you know.  You're going to get to go shopping for nice clothes soon.  You can chase after the kids and have more fun with them!  You work out to relieve stress.  You have come a LONG way already.  Don't have the car today? That's ok, you've got two feet and a heart beat and you know how to use them! Remember when you walked home from town carrying Annalisa? You did that in 1h45m.  Remember how great you feel after an intense workout?  Remember how proud of yourself you are and how proud others are of you.  Remember the example you want to set for your babies.  Remember that maybe someone will see what you are doing and feel motivated to take the first step of their own journey.

So, however you are feeling right now, do me a favor.  Just give me one day.  Go and do a great workout, and eat well for ONE day.  You won't regret it.  If I know you (and I think I do) that will be all you need to get back on track and heading back in the right direction. You got this, and you're going to be one sexy bitch.  As a bonus you're also going to be healthier, happier, and more energetic.  You got that dress, you know the one, and you WILL wear it again one day.  What a day that will be!

GO WORKOUT!  Go now, or after work, or go in the morning, I don't care just GO!  Don't roll your eyes at me either because you know I'm right ;)

Friday, 23 December 2011

Holidays in Moderation

Its FINALLY here!!! Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm glad after a long year, I finally have a few days off in a row! (I didn't even get that when I had Anna in February)

Time to relax and enjoy the simple things!  Last night we drove around with Starbucks (60cal Cinnamon Dulce for me) and candy cane doughnuts while checking out all the Christmas lights.  So cute to hear my 2 year old son Landon say "Oh! Look DIS one" to every new house with lights he saw.  It's important to me to take the time to make those memories for my kids.  Little traditions that we can carry on as a family.

I can't wait to see the look on Landon's face Christmas Eve and morning when we are explaining Santa to him. This is the first year he will actually start to understand the concept!  In fact we are watching "Polar Express" right now :) I love great Christmas movies!

This Christmas is all about moderation.  I used to use it as an excuse to splurge/binge on goodies.  I used to have a lot of excuses.  So while I may go over on my weight-loss calories the next 3 days, I will not go over on my maintenance calories.  That is my deal, because its all about balance, moderation and compromise.  3 days of Maintenance might be a 1lb difference on my New Years goal, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm moving in the right direction and that's what counts! Who knows, maybe I'll surprise myself and stay under more than I think?

Here are our Holiday pics from 2 years ago, and this year :)  I'm excited for next years because I'm gonna look HOT!

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Aha moment!

Well, the last two weeks have been a challenge.

You know the feeling when you first start seeing results and its amazing, and then all of a sudden losing weight is all you can think about? You stay focussed as long as you keep seeing those results.  Then something happens and you have a rough week, your results slow (or sometimes you gain) and you feel like a bit of a failure.  THIS is the point where I usually start really struggling, I start days with good intentions but end up falling into old habits.   Its like I think "well I already messed up, might as well have one more day of ____. I'll start again tomorrow".

Going into this, I knew that was going to be my biggest obstacle.  This road has been a LONG one for me.  I've been battling my weight me ENTIRE teenage and adult life!  I was successful once. I lost 90lbs back in 2001-2003 and I kept the majority off for 2-3 years before I slowly (or maybe not so slowly) started packing it all back on PLUS about 67lbs *cough*.  I know what its like to win... but I know what its like to let it all slip away.

Last time I lost, I was focussed on and off, I'd go a couple months doing one thing and then stop.  I really lost in 3 separate phases. The first 20 was at the gym, I stalled for about 6 months and then started running.  I lost another 40 in about 6 months time then stalled again for 3-4 months... Then I ended up doing a LOT of walking due to life circumstances living in a big city and taking transit and walking to and from anywhere I had to go.  I ended up losing the last 30 over about 8-9 months.  So it wasn't really one focussed attempt, more like a whole  bunch of cards fell into place for me (weight-wise).

I went through a pretty traumatic experience in 2003.  It changed my entire life. In early 2004 I made the tough decision to leave my less than healthy (mentally/emotionally) life in the big city and moved back to my smaller home town.  That's when the battle to keep it off began.  For two years I really fought to keep my weight-loss.  I was running, and semi watching what I ate.  I attended a summer camp with all meals provided for two years and gained about 20lbs each summer, but I took it off each fall and maintained the rest of the year.

Then in 2006 I met my husband, got comfortable and proceeded to   He was really sweet, but wanted to make me happy a little too much maybe? Any time I would even say "Oh I really want a __(Insert totally indulgent food here)" he would run out without a second thought and get it for me.  Most of the time when I would suggest treats I was half-joking, hoping he would be my willpower for me.  So its no shocker that over the next 5-6 years I gained it ALL back (plus the even more embarrassing 67lbs).

Its not that I haven't tried in that time, I tried often, but... I gave up often.  I've learned that I have an entitlement issue where if I see him having something "treat-like" I feel like I need to have something too.  I have also learned that I have used food as a way to "get back at" my husband or anyone/thing for doing things that basically pissed me off.  "Oh you want to go out and play poker instead of hanging out with me? FINE I'm gonna have a pizza!!".   Right... so who was I "getting back at"... well I'll give you a hint... she's typing this post right now.

I ended up paying all those prices, for all those times I needed support, for all those times I felt lonely, for all those times I felt deprived, I got a whole bunch of fat.  On top of that I started to get treated "different" again.  I was the fat girl again.  Talk about self destructive.  I stopped smiling as much.  I felt like if I put myself out there I would get responded to with "Yuck, why would I want to talk to you".  I got really guarded and defensive.

Something happened this year. I'm not sure if the fact that I have two kids kicked in, or what, but all of a sudden I started putting myself first.  I tried one diet and failed. Then I tried becoming exceptional at baking/cooking (talk about counter productive).  Finally in September I think I got it right... well right-ish. I started MFP!

Which brings me to the intent of this post.  (By the way I love being a woman because I am SO talented at digressing).  These last two weeks.  I had a spike week, followed by a really hard week without a lot of progress.  I was feeling down and REALLY scared that I was going to fall off the wagon.  Funny thing though about that wagon.  When you fall off it, it stops and wait for you to get back on.

I'm done making excuses, I'm done lying to myself.  Instead of finding an excuse, I am finding a WAY damnit.  So here I am, back on track and planning for the New Year.  I may have an off-day, and off-meal, and off-week... whatever.  I will pick myself back up and get back on that wagon EVERY damn time from now on.  I deserve it, my family deserves it, and so do my friends.  If you're reading this and don't know me personally, even YOU deserve it.  Why? Because its hope.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

One of my secrets.

I usually weigh-in on Mondays, and I have been pretty good about only weighing on Mondays. I do this so I don't get caught up too much in the numbers, because while sometimes they can be motivating... other times the numbers can de-rail me.

There is an exception to this. If I get on that scale on Monday, and the scale tries to give me bad news, not-so-good news, or just plain not-good-enough news, then I allow myself a "re-weigh" on Tuesday.

Now if the scale is in a better mood on Tuesday, I record that weight instead. Obviously it means it's more accurate right ;) If the scale is still not feeling generous then I will just accept that I didn't do quite so well that week or that my scale is trying really hard to piss me off. Then I wait until Monday again in hopes that between my hard work and the scale having some time to relax, we can have a better result.

With all that being said, this morning the scale was WAY nicer to me than yesterday, I even weighed multiple times to make sure the scale wasn't going to change its mind! I am finally moving in the right direction!!! 250 even! I want so badly to be in the 250s and I'll be there any day now :) these 250's have been here long enough!!

Monday, 19 December 2011

New Scale

I said I wasn't going to weigh myself until Jan 2nd... But I got a new scale yesterday. I am not to blame! We went looking at scales because the one i have burns through batteries like my kids do diapers. We walk into London Drugs, and there it was, sitting in front of us... The Biggest Loser scale. The Biggest Loser *may* just be my favorite show right now. Also, sometimes, I may pretend I am on The Biggest Loser and chant to myself "If they can do it on Biggest Loser, so can I" when I'm in the middle of an intense workout and want to quit.

I've just outed myself as a huge dork.

Anyways, the result was ok, but I got excited because I weighed mid-day yesterday and saw a lower number. This morning it was up 1.5lbs. So I'm still on my way down from spike week and this last week really wasn't super amazing either so I shouldn't be surprised.

I get too caught up in the number. Sure I have sore muscles and could be holding on to some water, it could also be that it is a new scale. Maybe it's just payback for saying I wasn't going to weigh until New Years, and then doing it anyways... No matter what, it's now my number to start this week off, and I don't want to see it again!

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Staying on track... I'm really doing it!

Well, I have managed to stay on track and have now lost 36lbs since September!

When I first started this blog, I thought I was ready. I fell off the wagon pretty hard and while it was a failure. Rather than just start a totally brand new blogI decided to keep my old posts as a reminder of where I have come from and that I can always get back up again!

I have recently started a Facebook page as well, but decided this would be the place to go into a little more depth with my journey.

SO!  Currently I weigh 251lbs.  I have been using MyFitnessPal obsessively.  I am currently of day 97 of logging my food in a row!  I log everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  A huge part of my journey is no excuses and no lying to myself.

My fitness journey started with walking, moved on to couch to 5k and has included a lot of Turbo Jam.  I can now run 5k in 38.5 minute.  I have developed somewhat of an obsession with running. During the day if its sunny I just feel like I have to get out there.

I haven't really lost in a few weeks because I had a "spike" week and then I really struggled this past week!  I am battling Plantar Fasciitis, so I have had to slow down on my running and high impact workouts.  I have been depending on those workouts for my big calorie burns and use them so I can afford to eat a little more some days.

I also had a really hard time this week because my friend and co-worker left for a trip which means that I will be working by myself for a while.   She has meant a lot to me this year.  She is 95% of the social interaction I get as an in-home daycare provider.  Before she came along it was not nearly so fun.  This last year has been awesome and I couldn't have done it without her! She has been there for me even when my husband was not, she kept me and my business going.  When my husband was living in another city and I was pregnant and had my baby girl, she made it so I didn't have to shut down my daycare. She allowed me to spend time recovering and she made sure she helped out as much as possible while Anna was a newborn.  She has shared many of Anna's first moments and is also my son't favourite person (other than Mommy and Daddy of course). 

For the next few weeks I plan on taking it easy and enjoying the holidays (in moderation).  I want to rest my foot so I am ready and able to go hard for January. 

Me in September

Me in December
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