Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The Past Haunts Me.

I sit here typing this on my phone from the car in Nanaimo. 6-7 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from the event in Vancouver that led to me moving home. I went to see someone for help but I was told I wasn't very bad and that the therapist had people with "real" problems to treat.

Ever since I haven't really given it much thought and assumed most of it must have been in my head. I must have been blowing it out of proportion. Fast forward a few years and some funny things are starting to happen. I have a really hard time being a passenger in traffic especially at high speeds. As far as I can tell, when I am driving I do pretty good.

When I'm a passenger, I'm a total for to floor-breaker, I'm constantly checking the side mirror and scanning the sides of the road.

It's getting worse. I have been gasping more often. I tense up and get incredibly scared. I start to panic and think that some incredible tragedy is going to happen to me or my family.

Today it was on a whole new level. We ended up driving to Nanaimo and I took a magazine to keep my mind off the road. As we got closer to Nanaimo and the traffic got more congested, I started to freak out. I gasped a few times (Jeff is getting used to it, he used to get really upset with me). It got so bad I ended up in tears. I couldn't look up and all I knew was I was scared! Eventually I was able to calm myself down, Jeff slowed down and made sure to drive extra carefully so I would feel more secure.

After we were done in Nanaimo we decided to head out. Just as we started driving on the highway someone in the left hand land cut us off so bad that they came very close to hitting us. We had to swerve and lay on the horn, and then they swerved and again continued to cut us off!! Well I didn't handle this very well, I just started to cry and found it hard to breathe!!

It just seems so weird to me because in any other situation I an remain calm. I have been in emergency situations and I totally stay calm and take charge. I just don't get why. When I'm driving I am totally fine, or if I'm on a bus I'm good too. I used to love going on long car rides and trips, but now it just makes me uncomfortable!

Anyways, I thought I would just take a moment to share that. I'm wondering if it may in some weird way be related to my journey, not the weight-loss part but the self improvement part.

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