2012 Review (I did what?!)

At this point in the year, finishing off 'only' 10lbs lighter than I started... I'm not going to lie, I feel like a failure.  All those workouts, all my tracking, all for what... 10 measly pounds?

Well, lets break it down a bit here.  I started out the year with the 30 day shred and completed it...

Then I took on Chalean Extreme for 3 months. I finished month one and two but in April I injured my hip and stopped most activity aside from walking.

Speaking of my hip injury, I injured it during a 14 KILOMETER run!  Who would have thought... especially when I was 307lbs that I (Megan Armstrong) would RUN for 14k straight! Well I did stop to pee once, but other than that, I did NOT stop!

After that I took it pretty easy until June.  I struggled during that time, feeling like a failure with my injury and ate my feelings.  Then one of my friends suggested... THE KUSAM KLIMB (caps for dramatic effect only... I'm not really yelling people). Just a brief overview (you can click the link for full details) but it was a 23k course up and over a freaking mountain... and I saw a real live hungry bear.

After the climb my knee and hip still weren't treating me well so I drifted in the land of the unknown, a place where I wanted to workout but couldn't for... pretty much the rest of the year.  I tried Weight Watchers from August to October, but had to quit due to the fact that I got infected with child.  (<= That is just my dry humor, I absolutely LOVE whatever being I am creating in uterus land... Just in case you think I'm horrible for referring to my pregnancy that way... trust me, I've said WAY worse).

Then came morning sickness, fatigue and all the other joys that aren't super conducive to living a super healthy lifestyle.

Also the second half of the year I have had to deal with my own personal battle with anxiety and a few other personal family issues that took my focus away.

SO... *breath*  even though I am 'only' 10lbs lighter, I have also accomplished amazing things, I have gained a fetus, and I am (currently) back on track living a healthy lifestyle (thanks to no more morning sickness and not being as big as a whale yet!).

One last thing, and its definitely not the least... I have been a pretty darn awesome mom to my two kiddos!!

Lots of people are talking about goals for next year.  This new years, I'm not putting any extra pressure on anything. I will try my best to live each day to its full potential while balancing it with relaxation, family time and rest off my feet once I'm at full-blown-fetal-capacity!

Rounding the corner!

I gave myself some slack this week to deal with things going on outside of Megan 2.0.  The scale will probably me angry with me, but I feel like I'm really going to be prepared to give it my all next week!

I know what happened to me earlier in the year when I didn't take breaks and allowed myself to take on too much... Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

In fact, you know what?  I'm going to put it out there as it's now behind me.  Early this summer I started suffering from panic attacks and anxiety.  I'm pretty sure part of it was just putting too much on myself and consuming my brain in an all-or-nothing approach to weight-loss, where I felt like a failure if I was FIVE calories over for the day.  I sweated all the small stuff.
That was actually the reason why I was so quiet during July and most of August.  I had to get my head in a good place and get back the mental strength I needed to continue.

Now, while I will push myself, I will not push myself TOO hard to where I endanger my emotional wellness.

This week I had so much going on that stressing about the small things was NOT a healthy option for me. I know how easily I can over-stress things and for me I really need to prioritize.  It's something that I am learning to do on this journey.  Also, I was aware that I would have more knowledge on said stressful situation by this coming week. This resulted in my time-frame (7 days) where I would focus on more important things than losing pounds (yes they do exist).

I'm already feeling much better and I'm looking forward to bringing my A-Game next week and making some progress... or... at least make-up for this week.

So like Bob says up top, I fully intend to "Stand up and finish what I started".

I'm hanging on!

So remember earlier in the week when I was saying how I had been emotionally eating?

Well I am happy to report that I have bounced back and still have 28 of my weekly points in tact along with 23 of my activity points earned (so far).   Thank goodness.  I think Pumpkin Fluff saved me yesterday, because I was set on having something sweet.

I was just reading this article with weight loss tips over at Everydayhealth.com and it got me thinking about my own sleep habits.  I do notice that when I am tired, my willpower becomes weak.  That could have been part of my problems on Monday because I had been up later than usual watching a movie on Sunday night...

What do you think? Does sleep affect your eating patterns?

Anyhow.  After taking my progress pictures yesterday, I think I am really starting to be proud of the progress I have made so far.  I mentioned yesterday that sometimes I still feel like my before picture, and I do, but now I can see such a significant change that it's helping me realize that even when I mess up, I am no where near where I started and I DO have the strength to keep going!!

I Am Tough Enough!

And it starts...

I have two days of tracking under my belt.   It feels pretty good. 

I weighed yesterday, and the official weight to start is 225.  

**Rambling Ahead**

I can't be too hard on myself, but that means that I am the same weight I was in February.  So, although I have lost and gained, I have made no significant progress (weight-wise) in almost 5 months.  I did get down around 220, and stayed there for a long time, I saw 214.8 one time when I lost almost 5lbs in a week, but then a few weeks later I was back up to 220 again.  So in my head, I kind of omit the 214.8 (because I wasn`t there long), and therefore feel like I have only really gained 5lbs.  

Moving forward, what's on my mind?

Well, I have a personal trainer appointment tomorrow.  I'm feeling really sceptical about it.  The last time I met with this trainer, I did not pick up a very good vibe from her.  I'm hoping it goes well, but I guess we'll see.  My number one priority it getting my cardio back up, and while I haven't been to the gym yet this week, I have done the Canyon View Trail several times and had one rest day so far.  

Today I plan to either do the Canyon View again, or go for a run.  Tomorrow will be my first a.m. workout in weeks, and then next week I intend to resume my a.m. workouts completely.  Now that I am mostly healed less injured I feel like I should be able to get back in the game.  

Its funny.  In my head I feel SO LAZY and like such a failure for the last few months. Then, really when I think about it... I have been injured! I am supposed to be taking it easy and letting my body heal.  I just forget that I am injured and call myself lazy all the time.  Then because I feel lazy, I make poor food choices and feel worse.  Its such a rough spiral. 

Hurt  ->  Rest  ->  Feel Lazy  ->  Eat  -> Feel bad for eating  -> Feel lazy  -> Eat more  .... and so on.

Now comes the task of climbing back out of the hole I dug.  LUCKILY, I only have a 5lb hole to dig this time. I can get back on track and focus on getting my body into the shape I want it and get to the point in my journey where I can enjoy maintenance which is somewhere between 45-75lbs away.  I've already lost 82lbs so I am over half-way no matter which way I split it!!  

Also, I have committed to running a half marathon in October.  It is now just over 12 weeks away.  

One thing is for sure

I NEED TO START TRAINING!!

Positive affirmations:

I will be in control of what goes in my mouth

I will get under the 200lb mark

I will be happy and healthy 

 

Holding steady...

5 weeks into my injury.

5 weeks of no running.

4 weeks of maintenance and some over indulging.

I haven't been writing much because I'm not too sure what I should report.

There is a big part of me that feels like a gigantic failure for going into maintenance.  I have given up on reaching 199 by my birthday because I found I was stressing about it TOO much and was having all these anxious obsessive thoughts about it.

I feel weak for admitting that I needed wanted a mental break.

I also had a bunch of stuff go on in a short amount of time which proved one thing.  I'm not cured.  I used food to comfort myself.  My husband changed jobs, I got injured, I've been sick and sick again, laryngitis and then gastroenteritis, and my plantar fasciitis is acting up a lot.  Guess what?  Its really just a whole bunch of excuses, and I accepted them.

Regardless of all that, I still feel strong.  I know I'm not done, and  I KNOW I will be back on track shortly.  I am 100% confident that I will not backslide, and that I will be back to making progress in the very near future.

I'm not completely off-track either, just not making any progress and enjoying not restricting myself!

Up... Down... Up... Down... Up... Down...

Ok, so I know most journeys to success probably aren't straight-forward and simple.  It seems like it should be, you know, like something just clicks and its all "inspirational" and "inspiring" from then on.  

For a while I tried judging my "old self" planning out a day in the life of "old me".  Then looking back on it and snickering "Wow, I don't know how I ever ate that much, I could never do that again".  Then I slip-up and feel angry with myself for letting me down.  For proving that that girl still exists inside me. 

I look back with tinted glasses since I made "the change" in September.  I keep thinking to myself "I was doing so much better before, why am I feeling so challenged now?".  The truth is, when I go back in my food diary I can see that I have been struggling the entire way.  I have good days, bad days, good weeks, bad weeks, and the ONLY thing I have stayed consistent with is being able to pick myself up and move forward. 

What I am getting at is that this journey, at least in my case, is full of ups and downs.  I have good weeks (like last week) and rough weeks (like this one). Its not even that simple.  I'm actually doing 'ok' on the diet side, and I'm still injured so I've been doing what I can but trying not to push it.  It's more mental for me this week.  I just feel like I'm having a rough week.  

That's how I woke up this morning, and it was only made worse when I stepped on the scale because I'm stupid.  I should have known it was going to be mean.  I mean really, I enjoyed myself with no restrictions on Sunday, I haven't been drinking as much water, and I did my first almost intense workout in a week last night.  Oh wait, and my body tends to hold on to a little extra water during this particular part of my month.  So basically I have EVERY reason to be holding on to water.  

I was up 4lbs from last weeks low of 214.8 to 218.8.  

Even though I know better, it made me feel like crap.  

While I have come a long way from where I started I am still fighting the same battle I was in September, I am not cured, or a new person, or anything dramatic, I'm just me with the belief that I will succeed more times than I fail.   

Interesting Fact:  10 years ago when I lost 90lbs it took me 2 full years.  This time I did it in one year, without trying for 4 months of that time.   Also I did it in a bunch of different stages with time in between each one.  I'm starting to think I may have been onto something mentally.  Its exhausting to continuously go full steam ahead.

The scale is moving!!

This week has been a big challenge with big rewards.

Since I injured myself and can't exercise, I with the help of some good support decided to lower calories in the mean time to help keep me on track.  By Wednesday I was down to 218.2, and today when I hopped on the scale it said 216!!

This makes my 199 by June 22nd seem SO MUCH MORE attainable!!  I only have 9 more lbs until I hit 100lbs lost, 14lbs until I hit a "overweight" BMI, and 17lbs until I hit 199! (Insert happy dance here)

Below is a picture of me today at 216lbs!

Below is my week summary on MFP, and how pretty does that look!! I have NEVER had it look so neat and tidy before :)  

So I'm thinking that being injured doesn't really have to suck as much as it could have in the past.  I rely pretty heavily on exercise to help keep my "net calories" under control, but with the higher calorie goal I had given myself, I really found I was abusing it to have a lot of junk foods.  Hopefully when I'm able to exercise again and eat more calories, I will (mostly) be making healthier choices.  

Painfully adapting

Yesterday I killed my hip.  Well, at least I thought it was my hip.  Now I'm thinking it's actually my lower back. Regardless,  I don't want to push myself and make it worse so I am taking a complete rest. It didn't hurt me quite as much today but it still felt uncomfortable and not 'right'.

Those that have been following me regularly know that I have been struggling lately.  I've been making poor food choices all over the place and indulging far more frequently than would be considered 'healthy'.  I have been using my larger calorie allowance to spend on empty calories (after I meet the macros I aim for).

Last week I quit smoking.  *Gasp*  I know, it's not something I was proud of.  I was only having one evening cigarette a day with my husband, but it was kind of my nightly rebellion crutch.  Judge away, you might think "Ew, I didn't know she smoked" or "One a day? That's not even smoking", or if you're cool you'll just think "Way to go Megan".

Anyhow, last week I ate every single one of my exercise calories in addition to my regular ones and probably more.  I had a "Double Down", Tim bits, Lava Cake, easter chocolate, donuts, KFC... again, cupcakes, pizza, and more probably.  Yeah, not great choices. Lets be real though, it wasn't just last week, ever since the start of Push Phase I have really been struggling with poor choices (about 6 weeks ago).

So...  For now I have decided to eat less and go back to basics.  I spent the day going over my food diary during my more successful times and gathered some ideas for my grocery list. I also painfully set my calories lower to help balance out the fact that I am not working out for the next week.  The good news is that there isn't a lot of room for indulgences, and I think that's a good thing.  I'm going to get my feet back on solid ground, get my confidence back and really start from scratch.  When I can work out again I will bump up my calories and create a new normal for myself hopefully adding mostly healthy choices and keep my treats as treats and not every day events.

Today was my first day with lower calories, and while I did have the very last piece of birthday cake leftover from yesterday I was able to stay on track with all my other choices and end my day only 6 calories over.  I even said no to a second offered piece of cake and watched my husband devour his right beside me.  So today was a SUCCESS!

Hold UP!

This has been one very challenging week.

I did great getting all my workouts in, and getting them done in the morning.  I usually put up my weekly recap today, but I don't feel like going through it in detail.  Basically it was: working out was GREAT, my food not-so-much.  I ate every single one of my exercise calories this week and probably by the end of today, plus some.

I had a lot on my plate, and I hate saying/admitting that because its an excuse.  I had a lot going on behind the scenes as well that has thrown me off my game somewhat.  I feel like I'm caught somewhere in between being too hard on myself, and giving myself too much slack.

I weighed in just to check today I was only down 1lb from last week.  I'm not really surprised as I have had a few high sodium days and lots of lifting again this week.  Even though I know I have lots of reasons to be up a 1lb, its totally getting to me mentally.  As much as I would like be able to tell you all that its ok, it still gets to me when I see numbers that are not where I expected them to be.

Where does this leave me?

I think I'm going to forget about the f'n scale until the 1st of May.  My theory being that during my month off the scale, if I had a bad day, it was easier to get back on track. Right now if I mess up on Monday I feel like I ruined my week.  Then I use it as an excuse to slack and then "go hard next week".  (insert eye-roll here since I hate excuses, yet I still listen to my own sometimes and it makes me feel weak)

Also, although I love the strength and muscle I am building with ChaLEAN,it doesn't make as big of a difference on the scale.  Long-term its a great thing, but short-term while I'm chasing 199 for my birthday, all I really want is to get there.  In two weeks when I'm done ChaLEAN I'm going into operation 199 mode.  strength train once a week to maintain what I have built, and the rest will be cardio cardio cardio and getting a little more strict with my diet.

AFTER my birthday I will be 'back to normal', probably higher calories and hopefully just concentrating on my fitness goals while I am on the home-stretch of my journey.  I swear 199 is my last scale goal even though I will continue to lose weight after I hit it.  It's just too much pressure for me.  I can't stop thinking how many pounds I have to go.  I can't concentrate on the small goals because every time I do, I immediately relate it to 199.

By May 1st I hope to be down to 214.  Then I would have 7.5 weeks to drop 15lbs which would be 2lbs a week.  That's doable right???



P.S.  Sorry for the rambling today!

GUILTY!

That's me.

When I have extra calories available to consume, I have issues.

If I eat something unplanned, I feel guilty.
If I eat something that isn't fruits, vegetables, lean-meats or low-fat dairy, I feel guilty.
If I eat larger portions of foods than I normally have (set in my brain as "good portions"), I feel guilty.
If I enjoy my food too much and want more, I feel guilty.
If I actually have more, I feel guilty.

BUT at the time I think

If there is something you are craving, eat in now
If there is something you want with lots of sugar, eat it now
If... sometimes I don't even need a damn if just, eat it now

Yesterday was long-run day.  I burned somewhere around 1500 calories, which gave me over 3000 calories to eat.  Combined with Easter, I was originally excited that I could indulge "guilt-free".  So what did I do? I indulged.  I counted all my calories, and I logged everything.

At the end of the day, looking back at my menu, I started feeling guilty.  Was that too much chocolate? Should I have eaten more fiber? Should I have had more Turkey instead of this or that?  I could have had more vegetables, I could have said no to chocolate, I could have______.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.... right?

Why can't I just be happy that I stayed in my calories?

Storm week, in review

Exercise


3 Chalean Lifting workouts (Although 2 were back to back)
2 runs (10k and 7.25k)
4 walks
1 Chalean Recharge workout

598 minutes of exercise
4315 calories burned through exercise

Food cringe

2785 (Long run day, trying to eat more)
3533 (Power outage+ Huge storm)
2785 (Recovering)
2213 (Did, ok)
2729 (Ate back exercise calories)
1938 (Only on plan day this week)
2300 (Date night with hubby)

Challenges

Wow, well this week was just one big challenge.  Spent the last of our grocery money on eating out during the storm and power outage so we had to wait until Thursday before we could get proper groceries.

When my anxiety is high, I turn to food.  The storm and power outage completely threw me off schedule. and instead of making good dining-out choices, I opted for comfort in the form of calories.  This is something I need to work even harder on.  I believe it is something I will always have to deal with, and with TOM just around the corner, I was feeling pretty weak.

Since the power was out on Monday I didn't get my lifting in, I was nervous I would fall off schedule. I even contemplated moving my whole schedule back a week.  Instead, on Wednesday I did two back-to-back lifting workouts to get myself caught back up.  (Hurt like hell the next day too!)

Successes

Well, I've really only got one, but its a BIG one.  I got back on track.  My head is back in the game, and I am good to go!

Not super looking forward to weigh-in this week, but regardless what it shows, I will own it and then I'm going to work my ass off so I never see it again!  Onward and downward!

Picking myself up one piece at a time.

I've been quiet this week.  Not super proud of my week, but I am getting back on track so I feel like I can talk about it more.

Monday was a horrible day of food choices, no ChaLEAN, but I walked.

Tuesday was bad, but actually an improvement from Monday, and I walked.

Wednesday, although I made some poor choices, I ended up staying close to my calorie goal (and under when exercise calories are considered), and did 2 strength workouts and a big walk.

Today is Thursday, and I will be under calories, and get my workout in again. I'm just not "prepared" or eating as many fruits and veggies as I normally like because of my lack of preparation. I haven't had the resources to get all my groceries since Monday, so I will finally get some tonight!  Today is going pretty good, aside from the donut I just ate.

I plan to be 100% by tomorrow, meaning good choices, and sticking to my exercise plan.

Its hard to recover from a BIG fall.  I also realized today what may have helped me make those bad choices.
We were tight on money, and unable to prepare well.  Power went out and my whole routine got put out of whack which created anxiety.  Also (TMI) Tom will be in town shortly so I'm guessing my will-power was on a low.  One of the keys to my success so far is being well prepared diet-wise and sticking to my schedule.

I'm going to write this one off as one of those very infrequent happenings that will not be a part of daily challenges for me.  Today I'm doing ok, and tomorrow I will be doing GREAT again!  Now to flush all this sodium out of my system!

Still Fighting, Still Learning

Here I am, 6 months into my lifestyle change, you think I'd be pro and have it all figured out my now, wouldn't you?

I don't.

I'm not "fixed", I still fight each and every day.  I have had a lot of winning days, days I am proud of.  I can balance my calories and meet all my macro-nutrient goals (Less Carbs, More Protein, Less fat, More Fiber, Less Sodium), I can run 10 entire kilometers, I can lift heavy weights, I can do a lot of things I never before thought possible.

Today was not one of those days. Today was a test, and I failed... BIG time!

I woke up this morning at 4am because of crazy ass winds!  Seriously, it was the biggest, roughest storm I can remember!

Our power was out from 7:45am until 8:15pm.  I had breakfast at home, but I didn't have my usual groceries, and no access to the other foods I have that require power to make them.

We ended up spending the day driving around taking pics of the aftermath, and then the sun came out so we went for a long walk to check things out a little closer.

We ended up eating out the rest of the day.  I should have made good choices.  I should have kept my head in the game. I didn't.

Today I gave in to anxiety, I gave it to urges and I gave in to rebellion.

We had fast food for lunch, and restaurant take-out for dinner, WITH a side of donuts.

So, today was a BIG reminder of how far I have to go. It was a reminder that no matter how far I have come, I need to keep fighting.  Keep getting back up, and keep kicking ass.

Here are some pics of the storm aftermath!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to make it a good one!

First week of Push Phase (Weekly Recap)

Exercise

3 runs
5 walks
3 ChaLEAN lifting workouts
7 planks

650 minutes of exercise!
4593 calories burned through exercise!

Nutrition

2280 cals  (Spa brunch)
1810 cals
1896 cals
1860 cals
1771 cals
2434 cals  (Big Burger night)
1783 cals

Challenges 

I started Push phase of ChaLEAN this week!  I'm going to need to invest in a few heavier weights next week.  You are supposed to lift heavy so that you fail between 6-8 reps. For the most part it was great but I can tell there are a few lifts that I should have heavier weights for.  Overall I am still loving it! Muscle is good stuff!!

I was challenged at the spa again.  I feel like I did SO MUCH BETTER.  Last time I beat my self up a bit for eating too much and felt like crap all week.  THIS time I made sure to get my run in that morning, and I had planned ahead what I was going to eat. Unfortunately they were serving a different menu and what I wanted was not available and I panicked and had the buffet.  Between my run and not being hungry enough to eat much later on, I was able to move forward this week without letting it hang over my head!

Successes

This week I rocked my workout minutes without feeling burnt out!   I guess that's what walking can do. I didn't do the ChaLEAN cardio again because of my running.

On my MFP weekly recap it calculates net calories, so it compares your actual food intake to your calorie goal and then subtracts your calories burned through exercise.  Days you were under are green, and days you were over are red.  Red days are not good!  My goal this week, even though I had a couple higher intake days, was to have 0 red days!  I did it!  Also I created the biggest deficit I've had in almost a month!

Weekly & February Recap

Well, its almost here, weigh-in time.  One month without the scale.  One month increasing my calories, and one month of ChaLEAN Extreme!

I'll start with this week.

Exercise

1 10k Run
2 Walks
3 ChaLEAN Lifting workouts

311 minutes of exercise
2686 calories burned through exercise

Nutrition

1914
1950
2480 (Anna's Birthday and too much Pizza)
1818
1709
1826
1820

Challenges

Well this week, actually since last Saturday, I have found my energy has been ridiculously low.  Since my 10k on Sunday I have been taking it easy.  I still did all 3 lifting workouts with ChaLEAN, but my other cardio this week was replaced with walking.  I *may* still do my ChaLEAN Recharge DVD today, but I'm not going to worry too much about counting it or not since its only 150 cals burned, if that.

On Tuesday my daughter turned 1, and before I knew it we had people coming for dinner and nothing really planned so I panicked and ordered pizza.  I originally did pretty good staying in my calories, but around 9:30 I gave in to two slices pizza that were left behind.

Successes

On my daughter's birthday, even though I ended up going over with some pizza, I was able to have just one small piece of cake.  For me this was HUGE!  Cake is a giant weakness for me, usually when I make it, it's gone within 24 hours and I am usually the one to make sure I get almost half. Achem.

Even though I lacked energy, I still did all my lifting workouts, and a total of 6 workouts for the week. So although I usually exercise longer, at higher intensity, I can't be too upset with that.

February in review

Sorry I'm a bit of a numbers geek so I crunched my numbers for February.

Nurtrition wise 57636 calories for the month, which averages out to 1987 calories per day.  I guess that's what happens when you have 7 days where you are over on your calories.

Exercise-wise I burned 16650 calories this month which averages out to 574 calories per day.  Considering I have decreased my workout these last week or so, I'm pretty impressed with that.

ChaLEAN Extreme

I had wanted to do the schedule as written in addition to my running, but towards the end of the month I found I wasn't doing a great job keeping up with it and found it a bit too much.  To improvise I just replace the ChaLEAN cardio with my running when I don't have the time/energy/motivation to do both.  Overall I am really happy with the program.  My form is improving and I find I am able to lift heavier weights.  Also I am noticing my muscles more, and I feel like I am in general getting more firm.

I have mixed feelings about Push Phase (The second 4 week phase in ChaLEAN Extreme). On one hand I am very excited and looking forward to the challenge. In my head I know building muscle is key for me on my journey. I really like the way muscle makes me feel as well.  On the other hand, I have seen lots of reviews where people didn't lose a lot of weight in that month due to muscle-growth and water retention.  Actually Chalene even says many people see gains the first few weeks of each month.  So I'm hoping I can keep mind over matter and go with it.

In the end the goal of the program is to build muscle and burn fat, which doesn't always translate to a whole lot of lost lbs on the scale.

Eating more

Well its been a month of upping my calories, and I have to say that I LOVE it!  I feel less deprived than I did before and find it easier to fit in more indulgent foods when I want them.  I have also found I am doing a really great job at increasing my fruit and veggie intake.  My cravings are changing from cake/donuts/sugar to other healthier options like fat-free greek yogurt and bananas, peanut butter in my oatmeal, avocado in my salad, and sweet potatoes!  That's not to say I didn't enjoy any cake/donuts/sugar this month, but I believe that I ate less of it that I have before.

Things change, and lessons I've learned

**Disclaimer** This is my place to write out what I am going through, I am writing it here to put it out in the open, but I am by no means saying that this is about you or your journey, or even that it will work for you, it is strictly about ME and MY JOURNEY.

When I first started this journey I had my idea of how it was supposed to go. No matter how much reading, or talking I did, no one could talk me out of it, because I justified it ALL.

• Move as much as possible, cardio, cardio, cardio, BURN those calories
• Cardio now, Strength later (like when I'm done or close to goal)
• The closer to 1200 calories, the better
• No "bad" foods, because you have to eat clean to lose weight, and those are what got you fat in the first place
• Losing weight is hard and painful and you won't enjoy it
• Lose the weight as fast as possible

The result, I lost weight.  BUT I felt like a failure every time I didn't burn enough calories, have the energy to workout, ate something "bad",  or lost less than 2lbs.  I felt like when I enjoyed my exercise I must not have given it my all.

Basically I was torturing and punishing myself for allowing my body to get into the state it was in.

For me, things have changed. It's been gradual, one thing evolving at a time. First, I LOVE my cardio, and will get it in when I can but I don't beat myself up if I 'only' burn 250 calories in a day.

I am finding that I absolutely love strength training.  I'm finding muscles popping out all over the place, and my body feels different.  It really sunk in for me after months of trying to deny it, that the rest of my journey will be easier, and more well-rounded if I strength train now. Not to mention all that muscle will help me look better and burn more fat in the process.  The numbers *may* not drop as quickly but the progress will be there.

I now eat between 1800-1900 calories per day on average.  What I have noticed, is that my energy is higher and way more consistent than when I was eating 1300-1500cals a day.  I used to have an almost yo-yo effect where one week I felt great and kept my calories around 1300-1400, and then the next week I would crash, miss workouts, and often those were the times where I would lose control of my eating.

There is so much conflicting information out there about what is the 'right' diet.  "Don't eat sweets, fruit is better", "Fruit is too high in sugar and carbs, eat vegetables",  "Meat is bad for you", "carbs are bad for you", "fat is bad for you". I started trying to eat as clean as possible.  That lasted a whole DAY.  Every time I ate something that wasn't a vegetable I felt like a failure.  These days, I just try to make more good choices than bad, and if I'm under my cal goal, then I'm happy.  I eat more fruits and vegetables now, but not because I am "supposed to". Now I do it simple because I enjoy them, I know they nourish my body, some of them actually taste pretty good, and they are usually lower calorie and help keep me feeling full longer.  I try not to think of many foods as 'bad'.  I try to think of foods on a scale, one side being foods I should eat more of, and the other being foods I should eat less of.  Just last week, I had pizza and cheesecake one night, and margaritas and sliders another, but I also had a lot of healthier meals to balance it all out.

While there are definitely parts of this journey that are hard and and painful, I DO enjoy it.  I look forward to my runs (mostly because I still remember a time where I couldn't run at all), I look forward to lifting with Chalene, and even the pain I experience after said lifting.  It STARTS as a struggle every day, but eventually I struggle less and succeed more.  I guess I would still say "It's not easy", I mean just this morning I almost chose not to workout.  I ended up getting up 30 minutes later and then getting it done, I just cut it close.

At the beginning of this journey I was very "balls to the wall".  I was an extremist.  After watching John in Biggest Loser 12, I started to recognize this and realized that if I wanted to be successful over the long-term I was going to need to REALLY work on moderation and long-term living.  THERE IS NO END to this journey so what I do to live a healthier life has to be things that I feel that I can maintain for a very long time.

With all that being said, this is where I am at NOW.  This journey is a process, and I expect that there are parts of it that will change and evolve even more.  Hell, maybe I will become a "clean eater" one day.  I'm just not there right now, and thats ok with me :)

Struggling.

Well its been a few days since I posted.

Well I had 3 not-so-great days last week, and this week I just had one.  I didn't go over my calories with exercise but I KNOW I could have made better choices.

I'm getting nervous about my end of month weigh-in. I know I'm not really supposed to see big numbers, but I still would like to.

I'm feeling nervous that if I don't see much improvement I will feel like I just wasted a month.  On the other hand, I KNOW I am making progress.  I ran 8 kilometres (5 miles for my US residents), and that is huge for me!!  Seriously, at 236 (ish) pounds I ran for an hour and 15 minutes straight.  What a big accomplishment!  Also I am really liking Chalene Extreme, my muscles are always feeling worked, and I know I'm already getting stronger.

I guess its just the mental part.  It's not as easy as saying "I don't give a crap what the scale says".  There is a whole lot more work I will have to do to be 'ok' with it.  That is a goal of mine though.  I want to be able to use the scale as a tool, and at the same lead such a balanced lifestyle that I can feel confident knowing I am doing all that I can to get healthy and fit.

I think that's why I have been quiet the last few days.  I really enjoy sharing my successes.  Writing about my struggles is a little harder to do, but I know that to tell the whole truth to myself and to anyone reading this I need to suck it up and acknowledge those here too.

This journey is not easy.  Not for many anyhow.  The reason I have been successful so far is realizing that I can overcome these struggles and keep moving forward.  I CAN. Watch me!


Side Note:  My kids are so awesome.  My daughter Anna will be 1 in two weeks, and Landon will be 3 in April, and I am totally soaking up their stages right now.  Anna is "talking", but I wish I knew what she was saying.  She even has facial expressions and body language to help accentuate.  Its so darn cute. Landon is crazy with how much he understands now.  Tonight Anna was crying in her crib and he grabbed a toy, ran down the hall to her room, went in and then gave her the toy to make her "feel better".

Moving, shopping and calories

Moving, Closet and Clothes Happiness

Well, yesterday after my weigh-in my husband and I had to tackle the rather large task of moving our room upstairs and cleaning it out.

Now I don't really leave out much, but I'll spare you photos of the disaster that was our bedroom, it was bad! 3 years of outgrown kids clothes, 4 wardrobes worth of clothes for me as I gained weight and went through two pregnancies. My husband never quite got to actually putting his clothing in a specific place, so it was basically a pile beside our bed. I would often wonder if we actually had carpet. Well now we know. It's there.

In the new room upstairs we got a brand new walk-in closet with full organizer, and it has two sides!! Man side and Lady side!!  I love it because it fits absolutely everything I have (clothing-wise).  I never even knew I had so many clothes!

I had done a whole bunch of moving/organizing, so while my husband was doing some moving/procrastinating himself, I decided to take my break.   I got a coupon to Pennington's (Plus sized clothing store) back in December when I purchased an outfit for my husband's Christmas party.  Sunday was the first time I could use it.  I was highly in need of pants that actually fit.  I've been slumming around in my 22/24 pants ever since I started this journey.  I can still wear them, but sometimes there is an issue with them staying up.  I hadn't really tried on new clothes for a few months so I was eager to see which size I could get in to.

Well, I got there and took in a few pairs of size 18 jeans, and some 1x shirts.  I knew it may be a long shot, or at least they might be snug, but I went in anyhow figuring if they didn't fit yet, they damn-well better fit me soon.  Here are two of the outfits.  I didn't end up getting the plaid one because it wasn't on sale (I can be a bargain shopper), but I did get the outfit on the right.  Both shirts are size 1x, and both jeans 18's!!!!  This was my LAST trip to a plus sized store.  I am determined not to buy any more new clothes until I am in normal people size!!

Calorie Goals are a Changin

In other news.  On the calories front, it sunk in to me today what people are talking about on MFP when they talk about eating back exercise calories, and just eating more in general.  Originally I had been set a calorie goal that would enable me to lose 2lbs a week without exercise.  I didn't regularly eat back my exercise calories, but would use them more on special occasions.  I had decent success with it that way for a while, but eventually after a really ambitious week I would feel drained.

The basic theory is that when you create too much of a deficit, your body will metabolize muscle instead of fat because it is a quicker source of energy.  Some people talk about going into starvation mode, or losing energy, or binge eating when you remain in too much of a deficit.

For me I am most concerned about energy.  I work out pretty hard, and I LOVE to work out hard.  When my energy is low I tend to go for quick sugars, and just feel crappy in general, thus losing motivation to go out and work hard!

For the next few weeks, especially since I am going to start Chalene Extreme next week, I have decided that I am going to try out upping my calorie goal to my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) to see if it makes a difference in my energy levels so I can give a more consistent effort than "week on, week off" because that's what it feels like I have been doing.  Also by eating more, and possibly slowing my rate of loss, I will be maintaining more muscle, and keeping my metabolism running higher in the long-term (at least that's the goal).

If it all works out I may stay at that calorie goal until my birthday.  NOW, I do like to switch it up every once in a while, so nothing is set in stone. I may play with it a little bit and have a week here and there where I eat less, or if I don't think its working then I may drop it down by 100 and just keep adjusting to see where my happy place is.

One of my big concerns is meeting my 30th Birthday goal of being under 200.  I still want to maintain a rate of loss that gets me there in time, and hopefully with time to spare.  (Right now I need to lose a little less than 2lbs a week until my birthday)

30 Day Shred


This week will most likely be my last one on this round of the 30 Day Shred.  I missed my workout this morning because I was exhausted from the move yesterday and a little dehydrated as I didn't get around to my normal water intake, so I spent the whole day dreading it!  I did it after my Bridge to 10k workout and it was actually ok.  It was still stupid hard but it was doable and dare I say slightly enjoyable?


Final Note


I guess I had a lot to talk about... I'm dreading/looking forward to my progress pics on Wednesday.  We'll get to see when 10 (or 11) pounds and some 30 Day Shred action actually looks like.  I feel like overall January was a very successful month for me.  Bring on February, Chalene Extreme, and Bridge to 10k.  I want to be able to run 10k + well before May because that's when I will officially start my half-marathon training!


P.S.  I am loving having real fitness goals!  They totally keep my head in the game and give me something so focus on other than what the scale says because no matter what you do, you never know what that guy is going to say!

5 diets that made me fat

Not so long ago I had a friend ask me "I just don't understand Megan, how did you get SO fat?".

I'm sure people wonder, how I got this way.  Many people met me after my last successful weight-loss journey, when I was on my way back up the scale of doom.

It's pretty simple really.  My diet was not good (ok, that's an understatement, it was freakin horrible).

My diet changed frequently, so here are some of the diets I used to get fat,

Eat Your Feelings Diet

Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?  You deserve a Bacon Bagel and Starbucks BIG coffee for breakfast.
Jealous of someone, that calls for donuts my friend, maybe an ice cap too.
Someone pissed you off at work, better stop by a drive-thru on your way home.
Feeling self-conscious, this one calls for some closet cookie eating... you start out thinking you'll just have a couple, but then the whole darn row is gone and you don't know where the heck it went.
Feeling lonely, order a pizza and his friends pop and dessert to keep you and your gut company.
Disappointed in yourself, well then you should treat yourself with whatever treat food you can find! Buy a damn cake if it'll make you feel better.

This one was used regularly.  Probably a few times a week.   Obviously this is not a healthy diet, but it is a diet none-the-less.

Damn That Looks Good, I Want Some Diet

Stupid food channel and its shows, Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. Cupcake Wars, Cake Boss, Hell's Kitchen, Eat Street, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, all these shows assisted me in this diet.  I would watch the shows and then go out and re-create my own versions of these gluttonous dishes.  Things that also help on this diet are food courts, bakeries, weddings and parties.  Sometimes when too much good stuff is around, you just gotta have it!

This diet was used most recently last summer. I have a baking album on my personal Facebook page that documents a few of these endeavours.





Grab and Go, Watch me Grow diet

Wake up late (or just plain need to go to school/work) stop at the drive-thru.  Packing a lunch take 5 minutes you don't have, take 10 minutes to go get something on your lunch break.  Got TV shows later you want to watch, order pizza or Chinese!  Hey if you get really ambitious, shop in the frozen section and you can enjoy lasagne, chicken strips and fries, pizza, burgers, perogies, AND pretend like you made it! Its win-win... well except on the scale I guess.

I used to be so busy I had no time to cook(or so I thought at the time).  Now I'm even busier, and I just make sure I'm prepared.  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I still LOVE my frozen foods, but I make healthier choices or enjoy them in moderation.

I'll Start of Monday Diet

This is probably the worst diet of all.  Every week you tell yourself you are going to start on Monday, so you  spend the week over-indulging in all your favourite foods because you fear you will never have them again.  "I'm starting Monday so I better eat pizza while I can", "I'm starting Monday so I better have McDonalds while I can", "I'm going to make a big cake, because come Monday, cake is off limits".  You get the idea.

So, guess what happened on Monday?  I'll give you a hint, I went from 149, to 307... You don't gain that in a week!

Inconsistent Instant Gratification diet

In this diet, you have healthy days and "Fuck it" days.  On your healthy days, you do really well eating healthy foods.  Then come the "Fuck it" days where you eat whatever the hell you want, because come on, you had two healthy days and you deserve a reward for your hard work. You may have times when you cycle through all the above diets.  bouncing from one to another, having a healthy day here and there, but getting frustrated because you're not losing weight.

Did a lot of this one too.  A LOT, there were many times where I would wake up in the morning thinking I was going to do well that day, but come dinner-time I would be like "FUCK IT" and have fast food and dessert too!

There is one common theme in the diets above, they are all full of excuses I fed myself so I could avoid feeling guilty for bad decisions.

I wouldn't normally refer to what I do now as a diet, but for the purpose of this post, I would say I am on the "Don't go overboard, eat more good than bad, but less overall, diet".

Aftermath of a good weigh-in

After yesterday's weigh-in (-4lbs) and splurge day, I have been fighting the feeling to give in and treat myself.

WHY does that happen?  

Does my brain not realize I still have oh, I dunno, NINETY SEVEN pounds to go?

See what did I just do? I just ordered a cookie to go WITH my subway, even though I am writing about this RIGHT NOW.  I guess technically its not too bad because it won't put me over my calories, but I did have a healthier snack planned, and now it's been replaced with a cookie.

My brain wants me to self-sabotage. but why?  What am I afraid of.

Losing weight has a lot of benefits:

• Um I look like a hotter version of myself, hello! That's almost enough reason on its own!
• Its way easier to move around.
• My neck fat won't try to suffocate me any more
• I'll get to wear cuter (normal sized) clothes
• My confidence will improve, which means some of my walls might come down
• So my life has a good chance of being a lot longer, meaning I can watch my kids grow longer
• I'll lower my chance of developing Type 2 diabetes (My husband is type 1, and I know that's not fun and I don't love pricking myself. 
• I'll decrease my risk of dying of heart attack or stroke
• I'll be more active in my children's lives
• I'll be setting a positive example for my kids

So again... why would I want to sabotage that?

**And why the heck do I feel worse about subbing a cookie for 100 extra cals, than I did after yesterday's gorge-fest?**

I guess the positive out of this is that I recognize it, and I'm not really doing any big damage, but I do think I need to figure out the answer to this question.  Figure out why some part of me wants to fight my progress.

Part of it is that I hadn't planned on having the cookie, and I do know that when things don't go exactly how I plan, sometimes I feel like a failure, you know unless I do better than my plan, in which case I feel like freaking super woman!

Anyhow, I guess I can ponder that while I run tonight. Running always gives me great insight, inspiration and ideas!