Saturday, 10 March 2012

Losing my spark

Ever have those times where you look through old stuff and try to re-evaluate life?

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 shortly, who knows, but I just did that. I was looking through old keepsakes and remembering things a have pushed away for one reason or another. I remember that I used to have a brighter spark. I impacted people and they cared for me. I remember having more charisma.

My first job was at a department store and I absolutely loved it. I made some great friendships there, some of which I still hold on to until this day. People there saw something in me, potential. Some had even wanted me to take on larger roles leading to management! It gave me a sense of confidence. I found something I was good at, and other people recognized it!

Then I left and got a wonderful job in an office. The same thing happened and people there recognized something special in me. When I went through some rough times I had people demanding I get paid time off, paid time off that they were willing to give up their very own paychecks for. Later on they fought for me to get a raise because they thought I was worth more than I was receiving.  Toot toot! People don't do that kind of stuff if you're a weeny.

I read my goodbye card from this particular job last night. It really touched me that all these people cared for me so much. Facebook wasn't around back then, so I have lost touch with all but one of them, but it was probably my favorite job. I can't think of any reason why I would ever have voluntarily left or been let-go of there. The reason I did leave was a bad relationship, that required moving far away from, to be safe.

I moved home, and still maintained my spark although it was slightly less bright. I worked at a summer camp for 2 summers and another branch of the same department store, made more wonderful friends. I felt pretty good.

Then came my first job in childcare. LOVED it. I had found my calling. I felt like a rock-star, and my co-workers were awesome. After one year, the owners decided to split and I was one of two staff kept to work at a smaller daycare run by someone else. This person did not like me at all  didn't see the same things in me, and ended up firing me. When I look back, THIS is the moment where I lost my spark. I was never quite the same after.(After all I had been through and all the positive people who believed in me and loved me, this one person who thought so negatively of me, made me question everything about who I was) I was still a good worker, still friendly, still loved kids, but just not quite as charismatic and confident as I once was.

I ended up going to get my ECE after. I was ok. I was smart and did great in my courses, but I developed more of a backbone and didn't really know how to use it well. The next two jobs after school didn't have quite the same zest and when I was pregnant with my son I decided to open my own center.

Since then I have been good, but still missing that brighter spark I once had.  I work with one other person, or on my own most times.  I think I miss all the positive re-enforcement.  I can bust my butt and do all the right things, but many of them go un-noticed by anyone else. Even when they do,  I don't always have the confidence to believe other people when they recognize it. Maybe I could pay Crystal to tell me what a GREAT job I'm doing all the time!

Some people think you shouldn't validate yourself through the actions of others, but I think its human nature. The more positive re-enforcement I get to show me I am doing good things, the more confidence I have, and eventually the less re-enforcement I will need.

The happy part: Through The Megan 2.0 Project I feel like I might be getting some of that spark back again.  People are writing and telling me that I am inspiring them to do positive things!  Friends and family are proud of my accomplishments, and I feel good about the direction I am going.  I don't know if I'll ever be the same vibrant girl I was in my early 20's, but I can be the best, most improved version of myself in my 30's, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

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